Klutz Chronicles

No I'm not dead. I promise.

2011-06-10T21:36:00.002-05:00

I'm actually working on something new right now. It's called a Master's Degree you should try it some time. Just kidding. I am working on getting my Master's in Special Education. My theoretical new project is related to this process. It's called This Is No Time to Panic and it will follow me as I panic now through my first year of teaching. Should be interesting.

2010-02-10T07:11:00.000-06:00

I seem to have fallen into another suck wormhole. Time to break out some Counting Crows.

Gag. Literally.

2009-10-26T21:28:00.003-05:00

I'm wondering if it's wrong that the best part of my day came when I was in the kitchen laughing and gagging and then laughing some more with one of my coworkers.

Here's what happened. B was unloading the dishwasher, but half the dishes were dirty. She picked up a plate that had something on it, and I was like "no no no...it's dirty." Once she looked down at it she started freaking out because it looked like old mayonnaise. Then she gagged a little. To make her feel better I told her that I was opening a FedEx envelope today and there was a hair on it and it made me gag. And then, telling her the story, it made me gag again; I have a thing about hair that's no longer attached to a person's body.

At this point we're laughing hysterically because we're apparently too delicate to unload dishwashers and open FedEx envelopes. Then I go to the trash can and see a big slab of lasagna in the trash and gag again. I told B to avoid looking in the trash can and then ran from the kitchen. I may never go in it again. A totally ridiculous thing, but completely hysterical.

Something to think about on a disgusting Wednesday morning...

2009-10-14T07:32:00.002-05:00

"Stop looking for bananas from people who have no bananas. Some people just cannot offer you what you need. " Karen Salmansohn

Why is that always so hard to remember?

The Death of a Dream

2009-10-11T19:59:00.003-05:00

For as long as I can remember (maybe 5 or 6 years...I have a short memory), I've wanted to learn how to knit. Apparently that was a pipe dream. I took my first class today and it was awful. The instructor, when she couldn't figure out what I'd done to add an extra loop to a whole line of stitches, was like "well, at least you're consistent." Consistently wrong she meant. I'm so disappointed, but I just could not follow what she was saying and having to focus on the needles and the yarn just gave me a big headache. Barb was like, "well, I guess I won't be expecting a scarf for Christmas!"

There goes my hopes for a handmade Christmas. Sigh....

2009-09-22T07:14:00.001-05:00

I learned about 2 new genres of music today - horrorcore and folktronica. I don't think I'll be listening to either. Ever.

This is what I get.

2009-09-20T16:10:00.004-05:00

So it's been raining for, I guess, 4 days now, maybe 5. That's a pain enough as it is, but adding a dog and freshly cut grass to the mix brings a whole new level to the irritation - it looks like the floor of a barn in here between the fur, dirt and grass everywhere. I've been sweeping and swiffering and vacuuming daily just trying to keep up with the mess we keep bringing in. Last night I got sick of it and decided I wasn't going to vacuum or mop again until it stops raining (which is predicted to be sometime in the next year, I gather).

But this afternoon I was sitting around being bone idle watching it rain (shocker) and decided I really should vacuum one more time. I get my handy little Eureka Quick Up out. This is the best little vacuum EVER (call me Eureka people!). As I'm about to unwind the cord, the handle slips out of my hand and the vacuum falls backwards to the ground. When the hook that holds the cord breaks off, I'm not too upset. I've had this $30 vacuum for 2 years in which time it has probably been dropped 100 times. Annoying, but not fatal. I throw the hook away and plan to just wrap the cord around the handle, which is the perfect plan, until the handle falls off in my hand. Waaah! I should have just waited until it stopped raining.

2009-08-28T22:15:00.001-05:00

The moon looks like a sugared orange wedge.

Beautiful.

2009-08-05T21:48:00.001-05:00

I got excited because tomorrow is Friday. 2 seconds later I got sad 'cause no, it's not.

Chicago

2009-07-21T19:24:00.007-05:00

Most of these are from LB's camera, but here they are nonetheless. There's two of us at the jellybean. We actually probably took 10 photos there trying to get us lined up in the shot.

This makes me irrationally angry

2009-07-14T21:19:00.002-05:00

You can buy this wall cling from Target. com:

Here's a thought: why not get the real thing? It might make you smarter, not just a better decorator. For some reason the very existence of this makes me a little bit crazy. They're called books people! Try one; you just might like it!

Not so easy

2009-07-13T19:36:00.002-05:00

The hardest part of putting an 8x10 rug down? The rug pad - when you have a dog like mine.

Huh.

2009-07-13T07:22:00.000-05:00

Another reason to lose 10 pounds - obesity appears to be a risk factor for swine (H1N3.14ZZZZZ whatever) flu. Huh.

2009-07-07T21:31:00.000-05:00

Yuck, just yuck. I'm caught in a sudden, unexpected suck wormhole. Blah.

2009-07-07T07:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's so weird to be an adult, right? Does it ever freak anyone else out?

2009-06-25T20:12:00.001-05:00

I love my new house. Happy happy!

2009-06-13T22:25:00.001-05:00

New (to me) happy song:

"Sweeter Than This"

Katie Herzig

2009-06-12T22:31:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking...

YAY!

2009-06-10T21:30:00.002-05:00

The book I loved "Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously" is now a movie with Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. I can't wait to see it. The book was hilarious and how can you go wrong with Meryl Streep (who makes a hilarious Julia Child) and Amy Adams?

2009-06-09T21:52:00.001-05:00

It feels more than slightly like bath water outside. Gross.

2009-06-09T21:30:00.002-05:00

And I have a spider bite.

Pain

2009-06-07T14:02:00.004-05:00

I am a hot mess today. Let's take an inventory of my various injuries. Bruise on my left thigh. 2 big bruises on my right shin; one of which was almost healed until I rammed the same spot in Lowe's today. I'm covered in mosquito bites. Elsa jumped on me yesterday after she got her nails clipped and before she had the chance to wear them down any. Now I'm sporting an 8 inch (I measured) red puffy scratch and bruise combination from my mid forearm to the first knuckle on my thumb. I'm going to have to wear pants and long sleeves until I get all this worked out.

What made me happy today?

2009-06-03T21:50:00.001-05:00

Downloading FedEx's new desktop software and seeing that the shortcut icon is a little cartoon FedEx truck. Made me laugh. It's by far my favorite desktop icon.

2009-06-02T22:33:00.001-05:00

What is wrong with me?!?! I must have totally lost my mind! When will I learn to leave well enough alone? Is there any hope for me with that? I'm beginning to think not.

Sigh...

2009-06-02T22:17:00.002-05:00

I just watched 3 episodes of "Intervention." I am oddly obsessed by that show. And every sad episode I watched I thought about the quote I heard from Bill Cosby, although I don't think he's the original source, "broken people give birth to broken people." It's so sad.

2009-05-28T18:49:00.001-05:00

I'm a homeowner!

2009-05-27T20:44:00.003-05:00

Can't believe closing's tomorrow. The last 3 weeks it's been like "is it ever going to happen?" The last few days like "it's already here?" I will be glad to close, though, so I can hopefully sleep again. The last 3 or 4 nights have been less than restful. I'm so tired right now I need toothpicks to keep my eyes open.

happy sigh...

2009-05-20T20:54:00.002-05:00

Watched the end of Glee. Seriously, Journey has never sounded so good. And I like Journey.

no no no no no no no NO!

2009-05-19T22:25:00.003-05:00

Stupid TiVo cut off right in the middle of "Don't Stop Believing" on Glee! ARGH! Why?! Why must my life be so difficult?

Ok I'm totally joking. Kind of. I really liked the show and wanted to see the whole thing.

2009-05-15T21:01:00.003-05:00

I just watched the end of Grey's like 5 times in a row. If T.R. Knight can't find another acting job, he should join the Army. He can wear a uniform is all I'm saying. Wowzers.

2009-05-14T22:45:00.001-05:00

Just finished watching Grey's.

Wow.

That was intense.

2009-05-13T06:18:00.001-05:00

Not...moving...fast...this...morning...

Breakfast is the most important meal.

2009-05-12T07:00:00.000-05:00

My yard sounds exactly like a bowl of Rice Crispies. What's that about I wonder? It's starting to freak me out a bit. It sounds alive, which of course it is, but you shouldn't be able to hear your lawn. That's just creepy.

2009-05-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

Argh! Too slow! Too slow! I want to move now!

Oh so fun

2009-05-09T08:59:00.001-05:00

Will Hoge singing "Sister Christian" at the Guilty Pleasures. So cool.

2009-05-08T07:13:00.001-05:00

Looks like I get to try out my new rain boots. Yippee!

2009-05-08T07:09:00.001-05:00

So was anyone else (besides my dog and I) a little bit terrified this morning? I read that there were like 925 lightning strikes a minute. Insane. And scary. Not how I like to start my Friday.

This Morning's Weather Report

2009-05-06T07:32:00.001-05:00

There's a 90% chance of it raining forever.

I am Eleanor Thomas.

2009-05-04T21:37:00.001-05:00

I just went to take Elsa out for the last time and there my keys were, just hanging from the lock.

2009-05-01T21:37:00.001-05:00

Inspection went really well.

Took some pictures to send my mom.

Think she's going crazy wanting to see it.

What a ride it's been this week.

Think I'm going to bed.

2009-04-30T18:48:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to measure my dog with a yardstick but she's not having it. Yardstick means bark and play, not stand still and be measured.

All I know...

2009-04-30T18:32:00.002-05:00

...is that if I, by some miracle, actually close on this place, I am NEVER EVER moving again as long as I live. If I never move again, then I never have to buy something again. It's completely and totally awful. Seriously, people should really tell you how awful it is; there should be an After School special about it and the dangers to your emotional health. I didn't know. If I had, I would have been about 1000% less excited about it. AWFUL!

But tomorrow is the inspection. That's kind of neat. I can't help it; it's my idiot side coming out.

2009-04-29T20:08:00.001-05:00

I don't think I will make it much past 9 tonight. I was almost asleep in my burrito at Baja. I had to keep blathering on to stay awake. But I know I will sleep much better tonight!

Sincerely,

Future Homeowner

Gaah! Gaah!

2009-04-29T06:41:00.001-05:00

How come benadryl only works really well when you don't want it to? Ack! Uppers, coffee, red bull, something! Taking benadryl at 4 in the morning was not wise.

2009-04-29T01:59:00.001-05:00

Can't sleep.

And itchy.

Not related, but both annoying.

I could never be Donald Trump.

2009-04-28T20:58:00.004-05:00

Contract #485 (feels like) is in. This is IT! I hope! I won't sleep tonight.

2009-04-26T20:32:00.001-05:00

Ok, I was just joking about the swine flu thing, except I just remembered that one of my co-workers went to Mexico on Friday. He better stay out of the office for a while when he gets back.

2009-04-26T20:20:00.001-05:00

Head hurts. So tired. Thinking of bed.

2009-04-26T00:32:00.002-05:00

No, seriously, I REALLY don't want to get swine flu.

2009-04-25T21:55:00.001-05:00

Ugh...my head is killing me. I've had the worst headache all day. I can't believe that I have to leave the house now. This is why I don't like making plans. Right now I'd much rather take some tylenol and go to bed than get dressed and go listen to loud music. Crap.

I'm just saying...

2009-04-24T21:34:00.001-05:00

I really don't want to get swine flu.

2009-04-24T15:05:00.003-05:00

This Run Chicken Run song is HI-larious! I'm listening to it, bobbing my head along and giggling (all the markers of a fun song). It's a good sunny Friday song too: "Let the brass band play, Let them soothe your blues away, Let the fiddle serenade you, Find a shady place to lay." That's not particularly funny or chicken-esque you say? You've got to listen to the chorus. I've listened to this song 4 times in a row - repeat is such a dangerous thing for me.

Just remember, "chickens don't get no life after death."

Snort.

So funny. So weird. So something I would like.

2009-04-23T10:45:00.001-05:00

Ok, just got my ticket for Saturday night. LONERS UNITE!

Also getting my hair did on Saturday. Can't wait!

2009-04-23T07:04:00.001-05:00

I have a plan.

One is the loneliest number.

2009-04-22T20:32:00.002-05:00

So I'm kind of a loner and most of the time that doesn't really bother me, but there are two things I want to do this week and I don't have someone to do them with. That's annoying. Now I have to decide how much I want to go...enough to look like the girl with no friends twice in one week?

Maybe.

Positive Thoughts...Positive Thoughts...

2009-04-21T20:00:00.004-05:00

We are what we repeatedly do.

Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.

Aristotle

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

2009-04-21T06:40:00.001-05:00

This was my only picture from the Cincinnati trip, but it's a funny one.

2009-04-14T20:23:00.003-05:00

Stupid people who take out 2 HELOCs and then refinance...you're the problem; give me your house! Sigh. At least I don't have to worry over it any more. Think I'm done for a while - too stressful.

Really?

2009-04-14T06:40:00.001-05:00

Will I ever sleep again?

2009-04-13T20:39:00.003-05:00

Remember the "Friends" episode where Rachel took the pregnancy test and then Phoebe told her she wasn't pregnant, even though she really was? And Rachel was upset because she realized that she really wanted a baby? And then Phoebe said no, just kidding you really are having a baby and now you know how you really feel about it? I had that today except with a townhome, not a baby.

2009-04-13T18:16:00.001-05:00

This day has almost finished me. Seriously. More later.

Oh my gosh bunnies!!!!

2009-04-12T20:20:00.002-05:00

My dog is wagging her tail in her sleep. There has NEVER, EVER been anything cuter.

2009-04-12T19:36:00.001-05:00

Unless you are a lot wealthier than I am and can afford asking prices and no negotiations and all that, I can't imagine anyone finding buying a house enjoyable.

2009-04-12T18:22:00.001-05:00

And here come the bruises. That was fast.

2009-04-12T16:54:00.002-05:00

Let's add trying to move a queen size mattress by myself on to the list of stupid stories to tell. Actually, there's not much to tell: Once upon a now, I hurt. The end.

2009-04-11T19:54:00.001-05:00

Blah....

Duhn Duhn Duhn

2009-04-11T09:28:00.001-05:00

Today is house day. I hope.

Of all the Charlie Brown's in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest.

2009-04-07T23:28:00.006-05:00

I hurt myself, in the most ridiculous way (the most common way I hurt myself now that I think about it), at work today. I stabbed myself through my nail and into my finger with my exacto. There's really no reason that this should have been possible, but I managed it. The injury is practically microscopic, and yet it now hurts like someone shoved bamboo rods underneath my fingernail.

This story actually goes with a longer post - that I haven't written yet - about how of all the stupid people in the world, I've got to be the stupidest. These stories involve a loaf of bread and an umbrella. Maybe I'll tell you them tomorrow. Right now, me and my oddly painful finger are going to bed.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!

2009-04-06T20:10:00.004-05:00

How could they kill Kutner? I knew that someone was dying, but why him? Noooooooo!

But yay for the music; excellent use of an obscure-ish Pete Yorn song.

2009-04-05T19:29:00.003-05:00

Sometimes before it rains there's this smell; it reminds me of frogs. Wonder what that's about?

2009-04-01T20:17:00.000-05:00

Dog tried to eat other half of soap bar tonight.

2009-04-01T07:03:00.002-05:00

I'm still cleaning soap off of my dog. I keep seeing little stick uppy parts of fur where the soap dried into a little spike. Geez. We were walking this morning and she saw two ducks; don't ask me why there were two ducks in my neighborhood. I don't know if she's ever seen ducks before. She stared at them cocking her head for about a minute, decided they were just slow birds (birds that maybe should could actually catch) and went after them.

Grrrrrrrr

2009-03-30T20:50:00.002-05:00

I want to kill my dog right now. I've spent the last 15 minutes trying to get soap out of my carpet. I was checking my email when I heard her jump into the tub which, in and of itself, isn't a big deal. What I didn't know is that she had grabbed the slightly wet bar of soap and taken into the den where she then rolled over on it and ground it into the carpet. I don't feel like messing with this right now!

And now she's licking the carpet which I guess means my work is not yet done.

2009-03-28T17:17:00.001-05:00

Is it disheartened or disenheartened? I can never remember. Anyway, I'm kind of that.

Perfectly Safe

2009-03-26T21:54:00.002-05:00

Be afraid; be very afraid.

This is like a cross between Alfred Hitchcock and the Dharma Initiative. It totally freaks me out.

Kindle Bliss

2009-03-23T20:07:00.003-05:00

I'm extremely tired for no apparent reason. I'm wondering if I can justify going to bed like, um, now? Or maybe I'll just hop in bed and do some reading (are you getting the segue here?) on my new Kindle.

I haven't blogged yet about the awesome-ness that is the Kindle. I would have talked about it sooner but was too busy reading books, I guess. It is an amazing creation, and I think the whole world should get one. I would talk more about it, but I'd rather go read some more. Let me tell you - being able to buy a book and have it immediately whenever you want it is heaven!

Side note: my dog is doing her nightly run - back and forth about 20 feet about 80 times. It's so weird. Oh wow, she just ramped it up; she is out of control.

Bummer

2009-03-18T21:23:00.003-05:00

It was not a good ending, and now I'm disappointed. The movie just didn't have the same heart and sweetness that the series did. And the reapers without Rube? That's preposterous!

The movie's made me miss the show even more. Sigh.

Hooray!

2009-03-17T21:39:00.002-05:00

Dead Like Me: Life After Death will be in my mailbox tomorrow. Finally, an ending!

Summer Smell

2009-03-17T06:53:00.003-05:00

There is honeysuckle blooming somewhere near my walking route. Isn't it a little early for that? Not that I'm complaining. Every time I pass it, I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

I say forget the roses; stop and smell the honeysuckle.

Let's get back to some songs about mental illness.

2009-03-15T19:01:00.001-05:00

So Ryan Adams isn't as dissapated as I thought he would be, at least maybe not anymore. He was actually kind of charming (see post title), and I wasn't expecting that. He looked tiny onstage - a gangly kid in a button down, skinny jeans and big sneakers. He stood so far away from the microphone, it was like he was scared of it.

Oh and I'm sure some of you were wondering, but no, we didn't get a duet from the newlyweds. How awesome would that be? Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams sing Rhianna's "Umbrella." I really can't think of anything more horrifyingly awesome. Oh please let it happen, please!

2009-03-15T00:05:00.002-05:00

My hair is suddenly curly. I have no idea why.

I don't understand weather.

2009-03-12T18:05:00.001-05:00

I think it's weird that it's so cold outside and yet still light at 6:05 pm. Does not compute.

Sparse

2009-03-11T22:25:00.003-05:00

Out at sea for seven years

I got your letter in Tangiers

Thought that I'd been on a boat

'Til that single word you wrote

That single word it landlocked me

Turned the mast to cedar trees

And the wind to gravel roads

Idaho, oh Idaho

"Idaho" Josh Ritter

This song is sparse in the most wonderful way - acapella and quiet, like a lullaby. I'd never paid much attention to it; in fact, I think I usually forward through it, but now I want to visit Idaho.

The smell of spring...

2009-03-09T21:46:00.002-05:00

...rotting flesh emanating from pretty flowering trees. Awesome.

I hate Bradford Pears, and the neighborhood is lousy with them.

2009-03-04T21:23:00.004-06:00

Hello everyone. I haven't forgotten about you; I've just been sick. Again. I'm on my 3rd round of antibiotics in as many months and am now expecting to die from something mundane like a paper cut. I hate being on these things, but what do you do if you can't get better?

Wow, that's a lot of snow.

2009-03-01T07:28:00.000-06:00

7 inches of snow to be exact.
Wow, just wow.

2009-02-26T11:00:00.001-06:00

Being sick sucks. That is all.

2009-02-24T06:38:00.003-06:00

If you need an explanation for the title of this blog, here you go. I pulled a muscle in my sleep last night. Well, I wasn't really asleep; I was kind of half awake, and I felt when I did it. It's a muscle that I always have trouble with - between my neck and my shoulder - could be the trapezius if it's on the side, not just the back. Anyway, I don't know if I was doing windmills in my half-sleep or what, but WOW it hurt. It seems to have worked itself out during the rest of the night though, just a little sore this morning.

Yeah, whatever.

2009-02-19T22:33:00.006-06:00

I'm feeling all disconnected and emotionally ick tonight. Sigh. Also, the cold weather has made the skin on my hands crack; bottles of lotion have not made a dent. My thumb hurts and the crack on the side of it makes it hard to hit the space button. Double sigh.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow. Lotion for the hands, then sleep, then a chance for a better, pain free tomorrow. Here's hoping...I wonder if that sentiment makes me optimistic or just stupid? But then my dog sniffs me like I might be some sort of imposter, and it makes me laugh and feel better. An optimist (against all odds), then, I guess.

2009-02-19T07:33:00.002-06:00

So the house went on the market around noon yesterday and it's being shown today - gulp. My parents house in Jacksonville sold in like 2 days. I want the house to sell, and all, but not so fast!

2009-02-14T17:27:00.001-06:00

I have on the most insane high heels right now, and they're actually comfortable. We'll see how I feel about 10 tonight (or five minutes from now for that matter).

If you could see me now...

2009-02-10T21:45:00.003-06:00

...you would see me, near tears and close to hysterics, hopping from foot to foot and shaking my hands like I'm trying to dry them, all the while shouting "eww eww eww eww eww EWW!!!"

I dropped poop on my shoe. I'm traumatized. I've become a lot more zen about gross stuff since I got Elsa, but poop on the shoe is not something I can meditate away. I DROPPED POOP ON MY SHOE!!!

Eww eww eww eww eww eww eww. I thought I needed new shoes, and now I'm convinced I do.

2009-02-07T10:16:00.003-06:00

It's such a beautiful day, and I can't get my arse off the couch. I have lots of pleasing outdoor activities to attend to; I just have to make it out the door. Cleaning and laundry can wait, right? Sun and 60 degree weather are much more pressing.

OK, here I go.

2009-02-06T07:04:00.001-06:00

I think today is the perfect day to try out my new orange retro looking Auburn hoodie.

2009-02-04T19:57:00.000-06:00

But really, why don't eyeballs get cold?

2009-02-03T20:11:00.003-06:00

I think this video - and the song that goes with it - is just lovely. Hope you enjoy it.

2009-02-03T18:25:00.001-06:00

Why don't eyeballs get cold?

Deep breaths...in...out...in...out

2009-01-29T21:36:00.004-06:00

It took me 1.5 hours to get home tonight - a distance of around 12-13 miles probably. All because some idiot driver flipped his semi and the double wide that was apparently on it. I was practically psychotic as I sat (and sat and sat) in traffic. I hate traffic. I would drive 30 miles out of my way just to avoid traffic. But every road, and I mean every road (because I pretty much tried them all), was a parking lot. Deep breaths...in...out...in...out...

I didn't think this day would come...

2009-01-26T21:11:00.003-06:00

I think I've finally done something so mortifyingly embarrassing that I can't write about it here. That's bad folks. But in the "counting my blessings department," it could have been soooooo much worse. I just feel like I should maybe protect myself from the people out there who don't realize just how much of a spaz I am. My friends know the score and love me anyway, and if they had witnessed what happened - after they stopped guffawing - they would have comforted me and then laughed some more when it became apparent I wasn't really going to die from embarrassment. Sheesh - it's going to take a while to recover from this incident.

Non-distress

2009-01-24T17:21:00.004-06:00

You've got to love a problem that can be fixed with your dog's tennis balls (your dog's NEW tennis balls you should clarify)! It's not as nice as my mom's, but it's much better. The eggs have hatched and gone forth and prospered in all corners of the squares.