Yuck, just yuck. I'm caught in a sudden, unexpected suck wormhole. Blah.

I'm thinking...

Sigh...

I just watched 3 episodes of "Intervention." I am oddly obsessed by that show. And every sad episode I watched I thought about the quote I heard from Bill Cosby, although I don't think he's the original source, "broken people give birth to broken people." It's so sad. 

This is going to be a long and ramble-y one so settle in.

I like Christmas. Well, let me clarify, I like the idea of Christmas. I like Christmas trees and lights and ornaments. What I hate about Christmas is the rampant greed and stress of the season. It's ridiculous, and for the last couple of years my family has been trying to put a stop to most of that. It's really nice. While there might be things I want, there is NOTHING I need. So now we spend more money on helping people who need it, which - shocker - makes it fun again. I understand the desire of people with kids to do it a little differently, but once you reach a certain age, I'm not sure it's necessary anymore.

The other thing I hate about the holiday season, and Christmas specifically, is how it can make the average single person dread getting out bed and facing the onslaught of "every kiss begins with Kay" commercials. 'Tis the season to make you feel inadequate and alone, I guess. I knew I was in big trouble today when I saw a lone goose trying to catch up with 3 others and felt incredibly sad for the poor goose that was honking disconsolately as the others flew away.

So I guess the season has brought up some unresolved feelings about M. Of course, since up until a couple of months ago we still saw each other once a month or so and talked to each other semi-regularly, it's not like these are some long-buried feelings. I knew they were there - waiting for the opportune time to pop up and drive me crazy. There have been hints about trying again lately too. It's not that it's not tempting to have that question (you know, the "who will it be" question) answered. Especially if the answer is someone you love/d and thought you'd be with forever. Especially when that person tells you they feel the same way.

But something holds me back. I think mostly it's because I'm proud that I haven't settled and have managed to avoid the "getting older...have to find someone, anyone to be with" trap. I don't ever want to make a decision as important as a life partner just because I'm scared and lonely. At the same time, stubborn is high on the list of what makes me, me. He's stubborn as a mule, too, and I wonder sometimes if we both bent a little, what might happen.

I think the biggest reason we keep coming back to this place is that both of us wonder if we were just victims of incredibly bad timing. Here's a free piece of advice from me - never let your dad die 9 months into a relationship. The resultant breakdown is, surprisingly, not that great for fledgling romance and 3 years later we, ok I, still hadn't gotten past it. And yes there is that whole "commitment" thing, but there's also the whole "at some point it's your right and responsibility to save yourself when you're standing at the edge of a sucking emotional abyss" thing. So I don't judge him for leaving. He did what he thought he needed to. Sigh...it's just all so complicated.

Maybe it all comes down to what would I do if I wasn't so proud and so afraid and so stubborn? What would happen if I made a decision one way or the other? What would happen if he would? There are very few, if any, illusions here for either of us. I think we both know that going down in flames is the most likely outcome, but apparently there's something that whispers to both of us that it might be worth the risk. To close your eyes and leap or open them and be too scared to move, I guess that's the question. Not as concise as "to be or not to be," but basically the same thought process.  

One other thing, all of you out there who have opinions, and I know you all have opinions, keep them to yourself. It's not a round table discussion - no opinions or advice needed. I'm just thinking out loud.

Peace, Acceptance or Whatever You Want to Call It

So, I'm about to write a post that I have no idea where it's going to go or even, really, what I'm trying to say. You'll have to forgive me - it's beginning to get late (for me); I'm still on some mind-altering cold medicine, and I *may* have had a glass of wine. 

I've talked before about fear and how I think it's the real opiate of the masses. But, I'm beginning to see how in my life, guilt/shame (which I know are considered very different things psychology-wise, but for the purposes of this post are going to be synonymous) play a pretty big role in keeping me stuck.

If you know me, you know I'm a big believer in karma. I guess that's because I've had it come back round to me. I've made some stupid decisions in my life - decisions that have had big ramifications, decisions that I wish I could change. But, as we all know, there's no rewind button.

But this guilt/shame has practically incapacitated me and left me standing there being stoned over and over by certain people in my life. And I've stood there and taken it in an attempt to make up for my mistakes, as penance. But at some point you have to forgive yourself and stop punishing yourself. You're the one that has to live with it, after all, and sometimes all that's left is to accept it, learn from it and move on. Right? I'm so sick of standing there taking shit just because I think I deserve it. At some point, you've been punished enough, right? All penance has an end, right? I hope so. I think so. I think I finally made it there. I've served my time. I can't take back the mistakes I've made, but I can't pay for them any longer either. It's time to let go. We're even, and I'm not the bad guy anymore.

Why is it so hard to believe that? 

I just watched the craziest thing; there was chemical warfare, hostile takeovers, impersonation of royalty and slavery. And it was all about ants. Slavemaker Ants to be exact. I suggest you look them up and be amazed, like me.

Sigh

I need a change. It's sad when "Ugly Betty" makes you realize it's time for something new. I'm just not sure how to make the new happen at the moment. But total cool points for Tom Petty's "American Girl."

Are fanny packs ever acceptable?

Normally, I'd say no, but after this morning's unsettling events, I think a fanny pack might be the only thing big enough to carry all the things I now realize I have to carry when I walk the dog.   Keys, cell phone, pepper spray, doggie sacks - there are just not enough hands. 

Overheard

"You are not your thoughts."

I'm working on "getting" this. I've been doing a lot of reading lately and this statement, or some variation of it, keeps coming up. It's Lazy Susan time again - bringing things around again and again until you finally take them off and deal with them. 

(Lazy Al sometimes wishes they'd just go away.)

Existential (Magnet) Thought of the Day

WHAT IF IT WERE THAT SIMPLE???

Yeah, what if it was?  

Not today, maybe tomorrow

I'm sure, by now, that everyone is familiar with the story of the woman who spent two years in her bathroom and eventually had to be removed (toilet seat and all) from the bathroom and taken to the hospital.  This story completely dumbfounds me for reasons that I am sure are apparent to all people who don't get so much comfort from their bathrooms that they decide to live in them.  

The part of the story that really struck me and the part that broke my heart was in one of the earlier stories I read.  They quoted this woman's boyfriend as saying that he had tried to get her to leave the bathroom.  And he said that she always said the same thing, "Not today, maybe tomorrow."  I think that may be one of the saddest things I've ever heard.  With that one statement, I almost understand. We may not live in our bathrooms for two years, but I know from personal experience, everyone has their own "not today, maybe tomorrow" scenario.     

Sometimes I wonder if the things I worry about are things that are actually important to me or just things that I think should be important to me.  

It's late-ish and I'm tired and I'm about to write something that I don't know if anyone but me will understand.  But here goes...

Have you ever been back to the school you went to when you were a kid?  Were you shocked to see how it had shrunk?  How it was no longer as big, scary and/or impressive as it used to be?  I guess we've probably all had that experience at one time or another.  And the older we get, the more that tends to happen.  Unfortunately, wonder seems to mostly be an experience for kids, which I think is pretty sad. Everyone needs some wonder, I say.

Anyway, not the point.  The point is, as I was leaving my friend's house tonight, I was struck with the realization that I have grown into this place, this city, my new home.  This friend's house was the first place I visited before I moved here and because of other events associated with this place, I remember clearly the first night I was there.  I remember driving up in the dark and the whole place seeming so big and exciting and new.  Everything all at once.  And I felt tiny, but not in a bad way.  There seemed to be so many things that could happen, so many ways to change and grow.  And, that was the reality - change came at an unreal pace that year, some really good, some really bad.  The growth part, well, the jury's still out on that one. 

If I'm being honest, I guess I felt tiny for a long time here.  But, not so much tonight.  I was life-size again when I drove out of her parking lot and while maybe not quite as exciting, it was a nice feeling.  It's a big world...I'm sure I'll be small again at some point.  I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.  I guess small means big things are on their way.  

So.  I don't think I really said what I wanted to say.  My realization was actually less about how I am today, than how I was then. I just remembered that night so clearly as I left.  It was like I was watching it on a screen, happening all over again.  Very strange and bittersweet.  Bah...I'm just rambling.  I can't say what I want to say; it's just not coming out right.  These are definitely thoughts too big for my head.    

pondering

...I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.

From "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini

Found Wisdom

I am willing to consider that there is another way to adjust.

I don't know where I found this, but it's been oddly reassuring the last week to look up and see it stuck to my computer screen.

Willing to consider...it doesn't mean that there is necessarily another answer or that if there is, that it's the right one. All you have to do is take it into consideration. Look at it from another side. Give it a chance. Suspend your preconceived notions. Open your mind a bit.

I would assume that most problems have many possible solutions - several of which that could be considered a "good solution," so why not give some extra consideration to all the other ways you could react to a situation? As a hard-headed only child, it's sometimes hard to remember that. Especially when a certain situation could have lots of possible resolutions to it (and you're really only willing to consider one). Not sure what you do then. Force it until it breaks, I guess. I've always had great sucess with that. Stubborness may be my greatest flaw and greatest attribute. Funny how that works, huh?

If words meant anything

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you, won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

The Fray "Look After You"

I'm a black and white kind of person. I can usually see the greys, but I want NOTHING to do with them. Everyone else can have their greys, but I want my cut and dry black and whites. Unfortunately for me, it's pretty much NEVER that simple. Life, emotions, relationships, people, they're all lived in technicolor - lots of shades and variations. For me, that's kind of exhausting. But, I am trying. Since I obviously can't change it, I'm trying to be more accepting and mindful of the greys. In that vein, I've been examining a lot of greys lately, from my life and the lives of some of my friends.

Here's my latest grey thought...

As a person in a relationship and a person in your own right, is it ultimately necessary to be more responsible to yourself than to a relationship? I don’t know if that’s clear or not. What I mean is, how do you know, even if you love someone, that it’s time to take care of yourself and your happiness and leave the relationship? How does that theory work with the idea of commitment and such? They seem to be mutually exclusive ideas and ways of acting. That's confusing.

Awesome. Totally Awesome.

I feel so good today. Today I finally had my deep breath moment where I knew all the way down to my bones, my soul, that everything is going to be ok. That rocks. It makes me want to cry, actually, but not in a sad way - in a grateful to the universe way.

Truth or Consequences

I've been thinking a lot about trust lately. It's a strange thing when you think about it. We know what it is, we know how it feels on a gut level, but how do you get it? Where does it come from? Shared experiences, I guess. Time. Love. How do you know you can really trust someone, though? Maybe you never really know. People, me included, are good at hiding things. Sometimes I think we're better at lying than we are at telling the truth. Sometimes lying is easier, I guess. And we all know we want easy, right?

I'm sure everyone had the experience growing up where we did something bad, got caught and then got the "you abused our trust" conversation. Always ended the same way, "you'll have to work to earn our trust back." That's the part that seems a little fuzzy to me. How? How do you make it up? How do you let that person anywhere near you again? How do you trust someone that's let you down? Who's that brave? Who wants to risk getting hurt again?

Here's another trust thing that I'm sure everyone has heard about. Remember the game you'd play at camp or at team-building sessions for work or school or whatever - the one where you'd have a partner and would fall back and they would catch you? Or even scarier, the one where you'd stand on a ledge and fall back into a bunch of people's interlocking arms? I've NEVER done that and all of a sudden that makes me sad. I guess I'm not a very trusting person. I wonder what that says about me? I don't think I let people in. I want to, but I never do - not all the way. I think trusting others is a reflection of trusting yourself, and maybe I don't really.

But, then I hear "Blue Sky" (see my previous post) and think that maybe I could do it. Maybe I could close my eyes and fall back into someone's arms. I know there are lots of arms out there that are ready to catch me if I just go ahead and fall away. Maybe I don't have to live the ways I've always lived. I know change is a glacially slow process, but I'm working hard on it. I don't want to hold people at arm's length. I am who I am and if you don't like it, can't deal with it, are put off by it, then you can find the door.

Forget the concept of Americans' "personal space."

Fall away, I say. Get close enough to catch me. Bring it on.

Blue Sky

The farther I come the farther I fall
Whatever I knew it was nothing at all
Nothing at all, just making me small
Smaller and smaller I fall back
Sooner or later with a view from the ground
Chasing the race and the races run you down
Sooner or later with a view from the ground
And a tear in your eye
You say baby why can't we fly
In the blue sky
High
In the blue sky
Be my singing lesson
Be my song
When I tell you I'm falling
You tell me I'm strong
You say trees have grown tall birds have flown high
Higher and higher
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
I'll fly over a rainbow
I'll be sun kissed
Sail around the planet Venus
And send a long letter
Way back home
That says all that I know
All that I know is the blue sky
High
In the blue sky
The farther I come the farther I fall
Whatever I knew it was nothing at all
Trees have grown tall, birds have flown high
Higher and higher
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

Aren't you happy it's finally a happy Patty Griffin song? Go find it and download it! "Whatever I knew it was nothing at all." I love that! I'm a freak who pays a little too much attention to song lyrics, but this song made a huge impact today. It gives me hope. Silly, I guess, but there you have it. I'll take hope wherever I can get it. Hope is never a bad thing.