"It's been a year of strange choices and often embarrassing decisions on my part. I've made new relationships and lost others. Some people involved with all of this were more innocent than others. Those who weren't know who they are. There are others that will be shocked by what I have to say here. There are some who probably knew what I was doing all along. My only defense is that I never meant to hurt anybody. Looking back now, I know I was searching for something."
"Why Girls Are Weird" Pamela Ribon
I could have written that about my last year. I'm tired of the strange choices and embarrassing decisions. What I feel is no longer new or newsworthy, not even to me. What I feel isn't important now; it's not even particularly interesting anymore. My year of magical thinking is over. I'm still searching, but not for the same things. I wish it was as easy as shutting off a switch, but if it was, I would have done that long ago. I think. Maybe. As well as a first class magical thinker, I'm a glutton for punishment too.
It's strange how things speak to you sometimes. I have to admit that I'm the kind of person that looks for things, for connections, for signs, for meaning, for something (for anything, it feels like sometimes). I need a reason. There has to be a reason, right? Except maybe there isn't. Or maybe there is, but maybe you will never understand it. Maybe you don't need to. Maybe understanding is less important than accepting.
"Well I've been here before, sat on a floor in a grey grey mood, where I stay up all night and all that I write is a grey grey tune. So pray for me child, just for a while, that I might break out, yeah. Pray for me child, even a smile would do for now."
"Grey Room" Damien Rice
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I know exactly what you mean about searching for meaning. I do the same thing. I often find quotes or stories of others that speak to me about my current situation, who I am as a person, or how my world works. Like your quote from "Why Girls Are Weird", I've never lived through a situation where that would speak to me personally. But I can understand it because I was almost in that situation.
Whatever your situation is, things will get better. I've learned this myself. Just when I think I've destroyed my life and made a complete mess of everything, something really good comes along. Some people might call that having faith in God. I'm not religious in any way, so I call it hope. Whatever it is to you, I hope you have it. For yourself, for your future. And if you're lacking it, you can always find it in others. I may be just some stranger at the other end of the internet line, but I found your blog for some reason. There are a lot of things you have to say that speak to me. Please keep talking.
Best wishes for everything!
Post a Comment