I dropped tomato soup on my jeans. Now I have to change. Poop.

I see the moon and the moon sees me...

It's a Cheshire Cat moon out there. I love that. This is the first time I can remember seeing the moon in a long time. It's beautiful tonight. Here's one last picture from Garden of the Gods...I have more if anyone is interested in seeing them...they're just a bit of a pain to upload.

Garden of the Gods

Ok, since everyone was wanting to know more about Garden of the Gods, thought I'd post some pictures from the trip (please notice the scenery and not me in the one I'm in). I have Brandon to thank for all these great pictures; you do have a "good eye!"

Can you believe this is just 3 hours (and kind of a world) away from Nashville? To me the rocks look like something you would see out west. It was so beautiful.

This is a cross, in the middle of nowhere, called Bald Knob Cross. It was a really creepy place - very windy and wet and deserted. It seemed more likely to be a place someone would run out of the woods and carry you away than a place to honor peace. It's a peace cross or something...I didn't read the signs; I was too busy watching for mass murderers.

I blame my squinty face on the sun and my crazy hair on laziness and the wind. Why? Why can't I ever take a good picture? Although, in truth, this isn't that bad.

I have no idea what this is. This was near our cabin. I feel that someone must have felt pretty strongly about this phrase considering they painted it in huge letters on the roof of their barn. I have no idea why they did it or what it means, but I don't even know why I do things, let alone why others do the things they do. Perhaps God told them to do it.

I think I've got a couple more pictures that I'll throw up later today.

Speaking of Change...

I was working on a manifesto, opus kind of post on change. It was, in fact, going to be life-changing (supposedly, hopefully). But...I've forgotten what I was going to say. I feel like that saying "I figured out the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down." That's what happens if I don't take notes. It all dribbles out my ears. In fact, I've been looking for months for notes on a book I'm writing, and I can't find them. Very annoying because it was the perfect beginning. And while I can remember the gist, I can't get it *just* right.

So what was my great manifesto on change is now these few sentences and the lyrics from a song I like. By the way, the lyrics are out of context because I split up the verses and deleted some lines. But put together this way (my unauthorized way), I like what it has to say: change is hard, but you do it and move on. I've been sinking ships lately - letting things and several people fall away - and it hurts like hell, but there's a peace in it too. Finally. It's making room for new people and experiences. Nice.

I'm falling away
I know that I could
I could change if I have to
But I've been here so long I think that I've learned to like it this way
Into the ocean and with no light
I'm sinking this ship tonight

"Hey Tonight" Will Hoge

Rain

Have you ever been driving in the rain and you get to your destination, park your car, turn off your windshield wipers and just sit there as everything beyond your windshield starts to go blurry and indistinct? I love how that looks. Even more than that though, I love what happens when you turn on your wipers after all that has built up. I love the swish, the way the water sluices down the side of the windshield. I love the noise it makes as it runs down. I love how everything becomes suddenly clear again.

It's not as visually dramatic or with as nice sound effects, but I guess in a way, life has those kind of moments too. Times when it's so dark you can't see your way, when you don't know what to do, and you're in pain every single second of the day. And at those moments, it doesn't seem like anything will ever make sense or be clear to you ever again. Then, the wiper (whatever it is - a personal epiphany, a friend, a relationship) comes on and wipes away the stuff that was hurting you and obscuring your vision and everything is clear again. I think that's one of the best feelings in the world. Like when you can finally take a really deep breath and know that everything really is going to be okay.

Smarty Pants

I got an A on my first test. Go me! I rock.

I'm somewhere between anxious and scared.

I know it's not a big deal, but the thought of my test tomorrow really creeps me out. Plus this is kind of an invasive test. Swallowing a tube with a camera in it and then having it yanked back out would be considered invasive, right? It sounds invasive to me. Anyway...

Have you ever eaten spaghetti and one of the noodles like hangs down your throat (yes I know that's gross, but that's my point!)? I imagine it's going to be kind of like that except bigger and grosser. Happily, I'm going to be mostly unconscious due to the IV and have been told I won't remember anything.

The funniest thing about this test is how people try to reassure you about it. Everyone has said the same thing, "at least you get good drugs." Ha. If I just get an answer, I'll be happy.

Someone Else's Words

Just finished the book "Prep" by Curtis Sittenfeld. I thought this was the truest part in the book. Saddest too, I think. It's too bad that so often, getting our crap together involves hurting someone else:

"None of which justifies how I acted. I was wrong, I screwed up - how else can I say it? But there was plenty I learned from Dave. Later, after all that happened between Cross Sugarman and me, I even saw Dave as practice for Cross, as preparation. He made me ready...there are people we treat wrong, and later, we're prepared to treat other people right. Perhaps this sounds mercenary, but I feel grateful for these trial relationships, and I would like to think it all evens out - surely, unknowingly, I have served as practice for other people."

We're Not Czechoslovakian! (or This is the best outfit to wear for the day.)

I urge anyone who has not seen the documentary "Grey Gardens" by the Maysles brothers to rent it. Believe me, it's the best time you can have sliding into insanity. Want to hear more about it? Check out the link to NPR - additional footage is being released on an upcoming DVD AND there's a musical AND a movie coming out. And once you've seen it, you'll understand the title of my blog.

Grey Gardens

Juggling

Here's a funny story. A friend asked me the other day how I was managing to do all the things I was doing - work, school, social life, working out, and volunteering. Until she said that, I hadn't really realized exactly how busy I had become. I sound like Superwoman, right? Not so fast. As I told her, I'm 2 chapters behind in my reading, I haven't worked out since school started 2 weeks ago (unless you count trekking all over downtown Indianapolis last weekend), and I bailed on volunteering this week just to get a little down time.

This weekend has really been about me re-charging my batteries. I've gotten some good exercise, some good rest, some good low key socializing and now I'm studying. Um, well, right now I'm blogging to avoid studying, but I have been studying. Kind of. Mostly. I'd forgotten how much I really dislike studying. However, BIG upside to studying is that I get to leave my house and go to my favorite little spot in Nashville. Any place you can study, get wireless, eat some yummy hummus, and drink a beer all at the same time is my kind of place. Life is good.

Ok, back to studying. 2 more chapters, and I'll be caught up.

Yawn

I have not given up on filling the internet with my inane thoughts; I've just been so busy with work, play, and school. I am soooo tired and soooo excited because tonight will be the first time in over a week that I'll be able to spend the ENTIRE night alone and in my own place - just me and those lovely doctors from Seattle.

Oh, big shout out to Al: thanks for my surprise! It's been the high point of my week!

Watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy - trying desperately to get caught up in time for Season 3 - and have discovered 3 great songs. Check them out:
"Fools Like Me" Lisa Loeb
"Live and Learn" The Cardigans
"The City" Joe Purdy (his song "Wash Away" was on Lost, and I choreographed a great interpretive dance to it. Think there's possibility with this one too)

I've got a serious case of the "anywhere but here's." I need some traveling music.

I'm just saying...

I think I saw Big, or maybe it was Rich, in the Brentwood Target at lunch today. At least he looked like he could have been one of them. It's the first "possibly a celebrity" sighting in a while.

What do you think it means?

I had a strange dream this morning about otters. I was working in an aquarium, and I was supposed to be getting to know all the otters. While I tried to distract 2 huge otters that were fighting on my legs and totally freaking me out, a small otter swam over to me, hopped out of the pool, and sat beside me. When I turned around, the otter had become a little girl who looked suspiciously like Dora the Explorer. She kind of wobbled, and I put my hand down to steady her. Then she told me I should tell her to "be careful." So I did.

Um. Ok, then. What a strange dream. Maybe even stranger is the fact that I've sat here and analyzed it. I wonder why these thoughts were so important that my brain had to let them out? I guess my subconscious/unconscious - are they interchangeable? - thinks I need to be more careful. Caring as much as I do, but still trying to move on and heal at the same time, is a tough balancing act. Being a gigantic clutz (physically and emotionally) makes it even harder to do. I feel like I'm juggling all these conflicting emotions - loss, love, anger, hope, disappointment - while standing on one foot and hopping. Sigh...when does it get easier? "Be careful" is good advice right now.

Today is my first day back in school in 8 years. Eeek...

Hospice

Some of you might know that I've become a volunteer at Nashville's Alive Hospice. So far, it's been fulfilling work, and I've been really impressed by the attitude of everyone involved in the organization. Unfortunately on Saturday, I had to deal with the hard truth about hospice care and life in general: everyone dies. I walked into our unit in St. Thomas and noticed with a sinking heart that the first 5 rooms I passed were all empty with neatly made beds - talk about a feeling of foreboding. When I walked into the nurses' station I got the bad news that 6 patients had died on Friday.

I was saddest to find the name of my first hospice friend on the list of deaths from Friday. I was especially sorry and kind of angry to think that if it had not been for hospice, he might have died alone. That's just not right. In fact, to combat that (someone dying alone) Alive Hospice is developing a new volunteer team that will be on call to come to the unit in the event that someone is about to die and has no family or friends to be with them. This is a good organization, folks. I really urge you to consider helping out if you have the time. I know it seems kind of scary and sad, but if I can do it - trust me - you can too!

Since I started volunteering a couple of months ago, I've heard a lot about hospices and palliative care. I don't know if it's because more is being said or if it's just me paying more attention. In any case, I thought I would supply some links to a couple of articles I just read/heard in the last few weeks. I know most people are blissfully ignorant of the hospice concept until someone they know needs it, but it's a great organization that deserves community support.

US hospice industry booms as more opt to manage their death

Caring for Kids at the End of Life

Words cannot express my excitement...

Why Me?

My ulcer is back with a vengenance. I'm in so much pain I don't know what to do; I'm practically in tears. The usual stop-gaps of dairy have not helped. I think I'm going to have to go home. I need my Kefir.

Random Concert Thoughts and Happenings

Have you ever seen a skunk being captured at a rock concert? No? Well, then you are missing out. The event people caught a skunk in a Rubbermaid container about 20 feet in front of us last night. It was surreal and stinky. Although, not as stinky as you might have thought. Perhaps Rubbermaid should consider that in an advertising campaign.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS:
GOO GOO DOLLS - The lead singer for the Goo Goo dolls wore an unfortunate black skull cap last night that made him look like Jay of Jay and the Silent Bob fame. Strange, but true. In the category of Best Lyric by the Goo Goo Dolls, the winner is "I go on as you get colder." I haven't decided yet what I think it means, but I know that it kicked me in the shins when I heard it.

COUNTING CROWS - I had a funny moment watching the Counting Crows. Remember in the movie About a Boy where Hugh Grant is making fun of Toni Collette singing Killing Me Softly with her eyes closed? Basically it was along the lines that the song meant something to her. And that, according to him, was where all the trouble started - in things meaning something. I thought about that last night when I was listening to and singing along with A Long December (with my eyes closed, of course). I had expected the concert to upset me and leave me emotionally wrecked, but it didn't, not really. The only part that did, the only part I closed my eyes to, was that song.

AFTER CONCERT FUN - We were NOT AT ALL intoxicated, and we couldn't find our car. How sad is that? We all thought the other people were paying attention when we parked. People, when you go somewhere where there will be lots of cars, make sure you pay attention to where you park.

Sad Songs Say So Much (Ooo Sha-na-na-na)

I know ashes slowly burn
But every fool has a lesson that's hard to learn
It's a desperate plea but I must say
Oh God help me make it just one more day

There's a glass on the table beside my bed
Where I sleep with a bottle and I wake up dead
I got a hole in the bottom of both my shoes
Hey my step's been heavy since I heard the news

And I know just what you'll say
When I tell you that I'm sorry that I let you get away
Well you'll know I found out
That you're someone else's baby now

I see you when I walk down the street
Your smile's in the face of everyone I meet
Oh and it tears me up to know that he's touching you
And learning all the secrets that I once knew

Do you still leave your clothes piled on the floor
Maybe now you're different than you were before
You got a new way of walking and a different kiss
Oh to keep you together on a night like this
"Someone Else's Baby Now" Will Hoge

A friend turned me onto this song and I totally agree with her; I don't know why this song isn't getting played on the radio. Check it out on iTunes or whatever music service you have available. If you've ever been in love and it didn't work out, you'll get it. It is sad song perfection.

The whole song is great (the first verse is pretty much my daily prayer), but it's the last 2 verses that I really identify with. I've always thought that the best thing about close relationships of any kind - friend or lover - is the way that person becomes your personal historian. That they know what makes you tick, what you like, why you act the way you do. To me, that is one of the best parts of a relationship, feeling like you're completely known and accepted. It's an amazing feeling.

When I heard the last verse, it stopped me in my tracks. It's a truth universal - even though we wish it wasn't - people change. Sometimes when I think of him, I wonder if he's changed. Wonder if he's different. I don't know why I even think about it. I guess it scares me to think that he might be different than he was - although I don't know why - I'm different now too.