Ninja Warrior

Stephen asked me if I was a ninja now. I can neither confirm nor deny my involvement with ninjas. But I can hang, upside down and silent, from the ceiling of any building. Think what you want.

I'm a black and white kind of person. I can usually see the greys, but I want NOTHING to do with them. Everyone else can have their greys, but I want my cut and dry black and whites. Unfortunately for me, it's pretty much NEVER that simple. Life, emotions, relationships, people, they're all lived in technicolor - lots of shades and variations. For me, that's kind of exhausting. But, I am trying. Since I obviously can't change it, I'm trying to be more accepting and mindful of the greys. In that vein, I've been examining a lot of greys lately, from my life and the lives of some of my friends.

Here's my latest grey thought...

As a person in a relationship and a person in your own right, is it ultimately necessary to be more responsible to yourself than to a relationship? I don’t know if that’s clear or not. What I mean is, how do you know, even if you love someone, that it’s time to take care of yourself and your happiness and leave the relationship? How does that theory work with the idea of commitment and such? They seem to be mutually exclusive ideas and ways of acting. That's confusing.

Type A (and I don't mean blood)

I had an epiphany tonight. So, this is me: Control Freak. But here's the twist: I'm really only interested in controlling the things I can't control - the weather, other people, the future, etc...The things that are actually in my power to change - like my attitude, my actions, my present day - I'm like, "Eh, eff-it. Controlling those things is not as heady (or maddening) as playing God and trying to control the uncontrollable."

Interesting. Very interesting.

Awesome. Totally Awesome.

I feel so good today. Today I finally had my deep breath moment where I knew all the way down to my bones, my soul, that everything is going to be ok. That rocks. It makes me want to cry, actually, but not in a sad way - in a grateful to the universe way.

So.

I've had a lot of difficult choices to make lately. Actually, let me rephrase that, I've had lots of difficult choices that I should have made lately, and yet, have not. I was telling someone last night that I really wish I could have some easy sailing. You know, time where my most pressing decision is, I don't know, what to wear in the morning or where to eat this weekend. But as I think about it, I wonder if the reason I keep having big decisions to make is because I avoid making them. Like is this a lesson (making the tough choices) I need to learn, and it's going to keep getting presented to me until I figure it out? This is what my friend calls the Lazy Susan approach. It's going to keep coming around until I take it off and deal with it.