My New Year's Eves are always crappy. Why is that?

Don't Go Towards the Light!

When I visited Nana on Christmas Day, I learned that Dad had been watering her poinsettia every day. In case you don't know me or this is your first time reading my blog, my dad is dead. Nana was also talking about Linda, my aunt, and Edith, my great aunt, both of whom are also deceased. It's a little creepy. I hope she knows to stay away from the light if the three of them come back. 

Do you have doubt?

One last thing, one last 2 sentence post for the night. You must go see "Doubt." It is incredible. I want to see it again, but up next is "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Hmmm...maybe that's a good Thursday recovery activity.

I just found this online, and it's hilarious. If it wasn't a cute little kitty, it would totally be the stuff of horror movies!

So I'm a little late to the game, apparently, but I have just fallen in love with Iron & Wine, who I initially resisted because I thought the name sounded like some awful 70's quaalude rock band. But Josh pointed out that I&W is just Sam Beam which makes the name more post-modern than annoying. I'm not so sure about that, but I do love the music.

That is all.

Today is the first day that the really stupid thing I did doesn't hurt. It's about time. You don't know how pleased I am about that. 

I know this might make me very unpopular, but I'm completely bored by this "Batman Begins to Return Forever" or whatever it's called - the one with the Joker. Yes, Heath Ledger is sufficiently creepy, but the movie is BORING! 

I hope by this time tomorrow I will be able to take a bath without boiling water, Little House on the Prairie style.

This day sucks.

Rage. 

Anger. 

Ire. 

Extreme irritation. 

Rage. Rage. Rage. Rage.

This is SO not even funny, but so par for the course for my family's luck.

aye aye aye

Every week it's the same - waves of relief that it's Friday again. Does anyone love their job so much they don't feel like this?

This is going to be a long and ramble-y one so settle in.

I like Christmas. Well, let me clarify, I like the idea of Christmas. I like Christmas trees and lights and ornaments. What I hate about Christmas is the rampant greed and stress of the season. It's ridiculous, and for the last couple of years my family has been trying to put a stop to most of that. It's really nice. While there might be things I want, there is NOTHING I need. So now we spend more money on helping people who need it, which - shocker - makes it fun again. I understand the desire of people with kids to do it a little differently, but once you reach a certain age, I'm not sure it's necessary anymore.

The other thing I hate about the holiday season, and Christmas specifically, is how it can make the average single person dread getting out bed and facing the onslaught of "every kiss begins with Kay" commercials. 'Tis the season to make you feel inadequate and alone, I guess. I knew I was in big trouble today when I saw a lone goose trying to catch up with 3 others and felt incredibly sad for the poor goose that was honking disconsolately as the others flew away.

So I guess the season has brought up some unresolved feelings about M. Of course, since up until a couple of months ago we still saw each other once a month or so and talked to each other semi-regularly, it's not like these are some long-buried feelings. I knew they were there - waiting for the opportune time to pop up and drive me crazy. There have been hints about trying again lately too. It's not that it's not tempting to have that question (you know, the "who will it be" question) answered. Especially if the answer is someone you love/d and thought you'd be with forever. Especially when that person tells you they feel the same way.

But something holds me back. I think mostly it's because I'm proud that I haven't settled and have managed to avoid the "getting older...have to find someone, anyone to be with" trap. I don't ever want to make a decision as important as a life partner just because I'm scared and lonely. At the same time, stubborn is high on the list of what makes me, me. He's stubborn as a mule, too, and I wonder sometimes if we both bent a little, what might happen.

I think the biggest reason we keep coming back to this place is that both of us wonder if we were just victims of incredibly bad timing. Here's a free piece of advice from me - never let your dad die 9 months into a relationship. The resultant breakdown is, surprisingly, not that great for fledgling romance and 3 years later we, ok I, still hadn't gotten past it. And yes there is that whole "commitment" thing, but there's also the whole "at some point it's your right and responsibility to save yourself when you're standing at the edge of a sucking emotional abyss" thing. So I don't judge him for leaving. He did what he thought he needed to. Sigh...it's just all so complicated.

Maybe it all comes down to what would I do if I wasn't so proud and so afraid and so stubborn? What would happen if I made a decision one way or the other? What would happen if he would? There are very few, if any, illusions here for either of us. I think we both know that going down in flames is the most likely outcome, but apparently there's something that whispers to both of us that it might be worth the risk. To close your eyes and leap or open them and be too scared to move, I guess that's the question. Not as concise as "to be or not to be," but basically the same thought process.  

One other thing, all of you out there who have opinions, and I know you all have opinions, keep them to yourself. It's not a round table discussion - no opinions or advice needed. I'm just thinking out loud.

I can't even tell you what I did; it's too ridiculous even for me.

If the last 10 minutes and the amount of blood are any indication - today's going to be a crappy day. How long are tetanus shots good for?

oh my darlin', oh my darlin'

The annual Feast of the Clementines has begun. Let us give thanks for Vitamin C and easy to peel citrus. 

I'm a little distressed, though, because I found this post from last year and the clementines were on sale for $3.99.  Stupid recession.

10 minutes later - I guess I should explain that the distress came from the fact that the clementines were on sale for $5 this year.

Words to live by anyone?

People who are unaccustomed to choosing often feel they have no choice because they don't like what the act of choosing requires: inconvenience, clarity, discipline, willingness to risk something new, courage. But those near-term hurdles are what let you win the long-term race. It's worth being inconvenienced if you have a lighter conscience. It's worth being gutsy if your choice lets you sleep at night. It's worth being a little more disciplined if it lets you feel your strength and inner power. It's worth sticking your neck out because that's how you get a life that doesn't suck. 

~ Michelle DeAngelis

apropos of nothing

I think "Sullivan Street" is an unfairly overlooked Counting Crows song. I have a live version of it that I love. Of course, nothing can beat "Raining in Baltimore," but it comes pretty close. I know, I know...me listening to the Counting Crows is never a good sign since they're kind of my go-to depressing music band, but really I'm more introspective than blue (at least I think I am), and they're good for that too.

Great, just great.

My friend told me I sounded like I had TB or emphysema. Nice. When will I be over this cough? I sound like I should be in a sanatorium. Actually, that sounds kind of nice except for the incurable illness part.

10 Minutes later - I thought sanatorium was spelled sani- as in sanitary. But it's not. Now you know.

Snow Dog

I just can't be in a bad mood when I see my dog. When I drove home tonight through all the slush and snow and beginnings of ice, it was just the beginning; I had to take Elsa out when I got home and I also thought I had to rush out to obedience class (but because of the slush, snow and beginnings of ice, I had a call on my answering machine telling me class was postponed until next week - yay!). I'm not sure she knows what snow is, based on her rather odd reaction. I was doubled over laughing as she took a step and then licked the slush, took a step and then ate some snow over and over again. She really should live in Alaska or something. She loves the cold and, apparently, snow. 

Peace, Acceptance or Whatever You Want to Call It

So, I'm about to write a post that I have no idea where it's going to go or even, really, what I'm trying to say. You'll have to forgive me - it's beginning to get late (for me); I'm still on some mind-altering cold medicine, and I *may* have had a glass of wine. 

I've talked before about fear and how I think it's the real opiate of the masses. But, I'm beginning to see how in my life, guilt/shame (which I know are considered very different things psychology-wise, but for the purposes of this post are going to be synonymous) play a pretty big role in keeping me stuck.

If you know me, you know I'm a big believer in karma. I guess that's because I've had it come back round to me. I've made some stupid decisions in my life - decisions that have had big ramifications, decisions that I wish I could change. But, as we all know, there's no rewind button.

But this guilt/shame has practically incapacitated me and left me standing there being stoned over and over by certain people in my life. And I've stood there and taken it in an attempt to make up for my mistakes, as penance. But at some point you have to forgive yourself and stop punishing yourself. You're the one that has to live with it, after all, and sometimes all that's left is to accept it, learn from it and move on. Right? I'm so sick of standing there taking shit just because I think I deserve it. At some point, you've been punished enough, right? All penance has an end, right? I hope so. I think so. I think I finally made it there. I've served my time. I can't take back the mistakes I've made, but I can't pay for them any longer either. It's time to let go. We're even, and I'm not the bad guy anymore.

Why is it so hard to believe that? 

Not to promote sloth or anything, but...

You should be watching Leverage on TNT. If you start next week, you'll have missed only 2 episodes. Do it! Take a night off. Watch some TV.

Overheard

I walked past a girl at work right as she vehemently said, "that's crap, you are how you act." It's a pretty simple concept, but I must have been out sick the day that lesson was taught. I guess learning it now is a case of better late than never. I think keeping this in mind will make it a lot easier to know who gets to be in my life and who is just a waste of space in it.  

Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)

This video may be the (unintentionally) funniest thing I have ever seen. The song falls in that category too actually. It's brilliantly ridiculous. I love it!

Sick

So I'm sick. I've been sick for like a month now, and I finally broke down and went to the doctor this morning. Turns out I really was sick - fever and all. I've been pretty delirious all day and have entertained myself by napping through Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, watching infomercials and The Real Housewives of Orange County and feeding my dog apple slices (which does count as entertainment because it's funny to watch). My brain is fuzzy and tired.

Pockets

I know the girls at GFY would disagree, but I have to say that a fancy dress with pockets is kind of awesome.  

I'm encountering a harmonic convergence of suck right now. I've felt kind of emotionally ick the last few days - a combination of the suck and holiday induced blueness. But last night I got a treat that made all the suck and blueness recede for a little while. When I took Elsa out for her last sniff and pee, it was so cold and still and quiet outside - very peaceful, especially when you always have little voices yelling in your head (but not in the crazy way...come on, you know what I mean). But the best, most beautiful thing, the thing that kind of calmed the storm and allowed me to take a deep breath was the ground. It was late and already freezing and there was frost on the ground, and it sparkled like someone had shaken glitter all over the yard. Everywhere the moonlight or streetlights hit were sparkles that crunched pleasantly where you stepped. It was so unexpected and so pretty that I didn't mind Elsa wanting to sniff everything in the back yard; I just wanted to keep smelling the cold air and watching the grass twinkle.   

Gaah!

Gaah! Both the bulbs in my overhead light in my bedroom have blown out. How am I supposed to see to change them? Gaah!

I hate busy weeks when I have something to do every night. It makes me grumpy. And tired. But, tonight is a pizza night so I can make an exception.

Wow. Such a good book. Of course if I remembered more of Hamlet from high school, I might have thought twice about reading this. I'm a little (okay a lot) traumatized by the story, but the book was pretty flawless. I got to a point in the book where I couldn't read it fast enough. I say read it!