No I'm not dead. I promise.

I'm actually working on something new right now. It's called a Master's Degree you should try it some time. Just kidding. I am working on getting my Master's in Special Education. My theoretical new project is related to this process. It's called This Is No Time to Panic and it will follow me as I panic now through my first year of teaching. Should be interesting.

Sometimes it's so weird to be an adult, right? Does it ever freak anyone else out?

Why don't eyeballs get cold?

Peace, Acceptance or Whatever You Want to Call It

So, I'm about to write a post that I have no idea where it's going to go or even, really, what I'm trying to say. You'll have to forgive me - it's beginning to get late (for me); I'm still on some mind-altering cold medicine, and I *may* have had a glass of wine. 

I've talked before about fear and how I think it's the real opiate of the masses. But, I'm beginning to see how in my life, guilt/shame (which I know are considered very different things psychology-wise, but for the purposes of this post are going to be synonymous) play a pretty big role in keeping me stuck.

If you know me, you know I'm a big believer in karma. I guess that's because I've had it come back round to me. I've made some stupid decisions in my life - decisions that have had big ramifications, decisions that I wish I could change. But, as we all know, there's no rewind button.

But this guilt/shame has practically incapacitated me and left me standing there being stoned over and over by certain people in my life. And I've stood there and taken it in an attempt to make up for my mistakes, as penance. But at some point you have to forgive yourself and stop punishing yourself. You're the one that has to live with it, after all, and sometimes all that's left is to accept it, learn from it and move on. Right? I'm so sick of standing there taking shit just because I think I deserve it. At some point, you've been punished enough, right? All penance has an end, right? I hope so. I think so. I think I finally made it there. I've served my time. I can't take back the mistakes I've made, but I can't pay for them any longer either. It's time to let go. We're even, and I'm not the bad guy anymore.

Why is it so hard to believe that? 

Train of Thought

Here's my thought - even though you can cook salmon in your dishwasher, it's probably one of those things you shouldn't do.

So here's how I got there. I was thinking that I needed to clean out my freezer because there's some stuff that I should really get rid of, like some tilapia fillets that I've had for a long time. Then I remembered how I read that Dr. Weil said you really shouldn't eat tilapia because there are a lot better fish than tilapia - for instance, salmon. Then I thought that I should have bought some salmon while I was at the grocery store. Then I wondered what kind of salmon Publix had - Asian glazed or hickory smoked or whatever. Which led me to - even though you can cook salmon in your dishwasher, it's probably one of those things you shouldn't do.  

Confession

I'm watching Sex and the City (the movie), and I have to admit, I have a gigantic fear of being left at the altar. I think that's what they call "borrowing trouble."

He Has a Sheepish Grin

If Elsa was a boy, I would have called her Lambert.  And while we walked I would sing to her, um, him:

Laaaambert, the sheepish lion

Laaaambert, there's no denying

Lambert's always tryin' to be a wild and wooly sheep,

Laaaambert the sheepish lion.  

Then we would come home and watch the cartoon.  Ok, truth is, I sing this song to her all the time anyway.  And I just watched the cartoon.  I lub it.    

Maybe her middle name could be Lambert.

If dogs are smart enough to figure out social hierarchy by who eats first, don't you think they're smart enough to know that you're not really eating out of their bowl? 

Home is where the heart is.

I've been thinking about the place where I grew up and lived most of my life. I just googled street level mapped it, in fact. Bad idea. It doesn't look like I remember it. The front lawn looks messy. The house is a different color. Times have changed, people have moved on, blah blah blah.  

The thing is, for about 5 months in the place where I grew up, I had everything - a great job (where I was not only well paid but well respected), a boyfriend I loved more than I thought was possible, and both my parents. I can't even begin to describe how important those things are separately, let alone together. I'm sure you know that though.  

But as The Roots and Chinua Achebe have told us: things fall apart. 

Fast. 

In ways that can't always be put back together. 

Unfortunately. 

I just wish things had stayed together a little longer. Sigh. I don't know. It's not like I've got a bad life. It's just so different than what I thought it would be. And even though I haven't (and won't) get some of the pieces back, it's OK. I mean, it really sucks, but it's OK.    

I love him. No, seriously I do. I'm hoping he's narcissistic enough to google himself and find this post. I mean, he's an artist, they probably spend hours at a time googling themselves, right? Anyway, he'll find this, fall in love with me through my posts, come find me, profess his undying devotion and eventually change the lyrics from "Kathleen" to "Allison." Events will start unfolding at any minute now, I'm sure.  

Oh, ha! I just realized that if this whole googling himself plan is going to work, it might help if I actually put his name (JOSH RITTER) in the post. 

 

Pet Peeve

Southerners who hate the South. When you meet one of these people, run.  

I'm a big fan of magical thinking

Sometimes I think "If I pick up my paper towel that fell out of the trash and onto the floor because the can was too full, it will add to my bank of karma and make my life better." Maybe, though, all it really does is make me a little less lazy and the bathroom a little cleaner. Then again, maybe it's all the same thing.

...sigh...

I don't like your girlfriend

She's like so whatever,
I think we should get together.
Hey! (Hey!) You! (You!)
I don’t like your girlfriend!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! (Hey!) You! (You!)
I could be your girlfriend

Am I the only one who sees the potential for using this song in some teenage romantic comedy where the girl next door pines for the best friend who recently dropped her to date the popular cheerleader who lives to make the little people's lives miserable? And of course, for no apparent reason, there will be some choreographed group dance numbers too.

Picture it: the girl next door (and, I'm thinking, the boy's little sister for added cute factor) are plotting against the horrible girlfriend/cheerleader and creating all kinds of havoc - perhaps involving water balloons, mustard and a wet dog or rigging the school election or putting chiggers in her bloomers before the big pep rally - in an effort to show that the girlfriend is snobby, uptight and all wrong for said boy. Hilarity will ensue.

I might go see that; I'm a sucker for choreographed dance.

3 (or so) Things...

That Scare Me: Change, meeting new people, robots
People Who Make Me Laugh: Shannon, Sheri, everyone on "The Office"
I Hate: Bugs, being wrong, robots (seriously they freak me out)
I Don't Understand: My place in the world (yet), how planes stay up, why my AC/Heater makes weird noises at night
Things on My Desk: Napoleon Dynamite talking figurine, plastic bunny with laser eyes, a million pieces of paper
I'm Doing Right Now: Thinking of clever, but accurate, answers, drinking a Coke Zero, avoiding real work
I Want to Do Before I Die: Hike some of the Appalachian Trail, go to India, write a book, get love right
I Can't Do: Math, spatial relationships, whistling
I Think You Should Listen to: People who'll tell you what you don't want to hear, Patty Griffin (in general), "Volume Two" by The Doubtful Guest (specifically), your heart
You Should NEVER Listen to: your heart (yeah, it's a paradox), the devil on your shoulder, someone who wants to hold you back
I'd Like to Learn: to knit, to play an instrument, to speak another language (Hindi would be nice), to let go gracefully
Favorite Foods: Pizza, sushi, birthday cake
Beverages: Coke Zero, water, green tea
Shows I Watched as a Kid: Ponderosa, Kids Incorporated, Young Riders

I'm tagging Elly, Bonita and whoever else wants to waste some time

I've said it once and I'll say it again (apparently)...

The place I work is where love, and staplers, go to die.

Love, Pain and the Whole Crazy Thing

So I just read that Keith Urban has checked himself into rehab. Big deal. Hope he gets better, but it's really of no consequence to me. In the article, it said that because of this he wouldn't be doing a promotional tour for his new album "Love, Pain and the Whole Crazy Thing."

I love that title. I spend a lot of time in awe and wonderment about how strange life can be. And there it is in his album title, life defined in 7 words. It's not particularly detailed. Not eloquent. Just true. Something about the title, knowing that other people are just as mystified and derailed by it, makes me happy.

What else makes me happy?
The Americana Folk Festival.
A cabin.
The Avett Brothers.
Patty Griffin.
Mindy Smith.
Sunny weather.
Sweaters to ward off the chill.
Intimately knowing love, pain and the whole crazy thing and STILL letting yourself be a part of it.

A Frightening (and most likely disturbing) Glimpse Into My Mind

Bath Time Thoughts:
I have long hair, and I shed. A lot. (As an aside, I hate hair that is no longer attached to the place it should be. There is nothing grosser, and yes, this includes my own hair, not just others.) I live in an old house with old pipes. Therefore, unless I want to buy Drano by the truckload, I collect my hair and plaster it to the tile wall to wait there until I can get out of the shower and clean it up. I typically get a square of toilet paper and wipe the tile, picking up the stray hair. I've noticed lately, that when I do that - crumple up the square of paper and see the hair hanging down from the paper - it looks like a jellyfish. It's kind of like a Rorschach test with hair.

I was noticing the other day that I could make a fruit salad out of all the various shampoos, conditioners, gels, lotions, etc...in my shower. I have citrus basil, icy pineapple, coconut lime and apricot. Pretty funny.

Final bath confession - when I was in the shower tonight, washing my face, I somehow managed to jam my finger up my nose. It was not pleasant and now I am left with a little cut on my nostril. How do I do these things?

Wouldn't it be great...

...if when you sneezed, it made your headache go away? Doesn't it seem like it should? You know, you relieve pressure by sneezing and voila! your head feels better. I'm pretty sure that's how it should work.

Observations

1. Clean hair doesn't just happen. Apparently, you actually have to turn off your alarm clock, get up and wash your hair if you want it to be clean.

2. Tonight was my first Baja Burrito experience, and it rocked. I want to go back again tomorrow. Yummo.

3. Technology rocks. My current favorite thing is abc.com where you can watch episodes of the shows you missed. I've now seen every Grey's Anatomy episode from this season like 5 times.

4. I'm tired. I love my bed, and I can't wait to be in it.

I think it's time we need to change a few things

I cannot stop listening to Mindy Smith's song, "Out Loud." Seriously, I've listened to it like 10 times in a row. It's so beautiful and so sweet - "Why should we stand in lonely shadows with so much light around?" It touches me in a way I can't explain (ok, I just reread this and realized how overwrought that sounds, but hey, sue me. I like my mushy music).

I'm so excited about the Americana Folk Festival at Montgomery Bell - Patty Griffin, Mindy Smith, The Avett Brothers, plus more. It's going to be so nice. Probably all crisp and fall-y. Oooh, maybe I'll get to wear the first sweater of the season. The ticket was not cheap, but it'll be an early b-day present to myself. WooHoo!