Indecision Part Deux (or What I'm Doing)

Ok, it's now Wednesday. I still have no clue what I'm doing. 4 pm tomorrow is approaching way too fast. I swear, every time I get one thing figured out another obstacle pops up. It's very upsetting. It's hard enough to know if what I'm doing is right, but when you throw in how everything keeps changing, it really makes me nervous.

I'm trying so hard to be proactive and well-informed and all that. I am 98% certain that this is what I want to do, but a little voice in the back of my mind wonders on occasion if this is a way for me to run away, especially if I choose the option that could take me out of Nashville a lot for the majority of the next two years.

I never knew before the last few months that doing what was right could be so confusing. I mean, I knew doing right could be hard and scary, but I didn't know that there would be times when you just wouldn't know what right was. Grrrr...I hate being an adult. And whoever said, "the unexamined life isn't worth living" is crazy. "Ignorance is bliss," I say.

Oh, and what I'm doing in the picture is testing our newest product, temporary tattoos. They're for Valentine's Day. Mine says "love stinks," but there are some mushy ones for the kiddos in functional relationships. Gotta say, I really like the wrist tattoo. While I would want something different (don't want to tick off Cupid, right?), I think it's a groovy place for a lil' bitty tattoo.

Indecision

I have to make a potentially life changing decision by Thursday at 4 pm, and I have no idea what to do. None. Not an inkling. I'm going to be reduced to "eenie, meenie, miney, moe," shaking a Magic 8 Ball, or closing my eyes and pointing to one of the options. Which, now that I think of it, is exactly how I ended up at Auburn. Hmmm...that seemed to work out pretty well, perhaps I should use that tactic again.

Seriously? This can't be the way a 29-year-old is supposed to make decisions. Crap.


Image from www.whoknew.us/archives/2004/10/

It's That Time of Year Again...

...when I start asking everyone when it's going to start getting cooler. I never remember, so I always have to ask.

There Is Weather on Both Sides

This grey day is making me blue.

I've just sat through repeated listenings of the new live version of "Rain King" by the Counting Crows. It's so different than the studio version. This one is 7 minutes of intense longing; it's guaranteed to make you look over your shoulder and remember things you thought you'd forgotten. Adam (because, yeah, we're that tight) says, "When I think of heaven, G-d girl, you know I just think of you. Do you think of me too?" How much do I love that? There aren't words.

Words of Wisdom: The Shrug

No, not the weird and unnecessary little half jacket/sweater thing, the "oh well," "dunno," and "I don't give a crap" gesture seen on the left.

The American Heritage Dictionary says that to shrug is "to raise the shoulders, especially as a gesture of doubt, disdain, or indifference."

I've had the opportunity to think about the shrug several times lately with a couple of different relationships. Today, a wise friend gave me this advice when I told her I wasn't going to dissect and pick to death something that happened to me. She said, "Well that's ok, then. Sometimes it's best not to dissect. I think the shrug is underused in our world. Sometimes we just have to shrug things off!"

She's SO right. I know there have been times when the shrug was definitely underused in my world. So prepare yourself...you may be seeing more shrugs from me. You can't always fix/understand/break the will of (ha) people or situations. Sometimes what is, is and no amount of worrying, trying to get your head around, or obsessing is going to make things make sense. Hence, the shrug. It will all be ok anyway, even if you don't understand it. I'm pretty sure of it.

Row Row Row Your Boat, Right Into the Rocks

Here are some canoeing tips you might want to keep in mind:

1. Canoeing is best done in the early morning or late afternoon, as opposed to the middle of the day in August.

2. Canoeing is best done in rivers having more than 2 inches of water.

3. Vigorous shaking of canoe (known as "humping") is effective in removing canoe from all the rocks you will run up on. It will also provide endless amusement to the friends who were able to navigate around the rocks.

4. This is the most important one: never congratulate yourself for staying clean and mostly dry until you are BACK ON DRY LAND. Pride goeth before the fall, and pride will goeth in front of about 20 strangers as you - looking somewhat dapper and fresh faced - slip and fall not once, but twice while your friends look on and laugh hysterically at you resurfacing looking like a drowned rat covered in mud.

Even with the excess of heat and the absence of water, canoeing was lots o' fun. LB and I got stuck on every rock there was, which provided much amusement for everyone else (see rule #3 about humping). We managed to paddle down the river backwards on accident at least once and on purpose a couple more times. We also ran into a beaver dam and a large tree hanging down over the water; I'm sure the ticks enjoyed the ride down the river too. I learned that I, personally, do not have the perfunctory knowledge of physics that help you steer a boat. It was a full day.

On the nature track, I took a long drive last night down some of the lesser used, more scenic roads of Nashville/Franklin, and it was beautiful night for it. Long country drives are one of my favorite things. I find I can get a lot of thinking done out there when it's just me and the kind of coma that comes over you when you're driving with the windows and sunroof open. I remember some really happy times on those back roads when I first started visiting Nashville. As it gets cooler, I will be taking lots more of those drives. Fall evenings are made for them, and I'm all about trying to make sense of things right now.

Lastly, apropos of absolutely nothing, my hair looks quite pretty today. Yay good hair days!

The Song I'm Listening To

Let me start by saying that this is my theory du jour. It's my way of trying to make sense of things. I'm sure it will change a hundred times before I actually figure things out - if I ever figure things out. Anyway, that's my disclaimer for when I totally change my mind and start over with a new theory. Har.

While I'm in the car, I'm listening to the song "Cigarettes" by The Wreckers over and over:

'Cause someday maybe somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove 'cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes and this old dirt road

I love that chorus. The part about not having to prove your worth is the sweetest thing I can imagine. Right now, it's the number one thing on my list for what my next relationship MUST have. I think I've spent a lot of time the last five months, maybe even longer, trying to prove that I was worthy and getting nowhere with it. That's a horrible way to feel - to know that the person who loves you thinks you've made too many mistakes, messed up too many times to forgive, that they liked you better the way you used to be.

And I think I probably did the same thing. I'm not innocent; I was the judge and jury with him too. I realized this morning that we both have a right to be mad at each other - me at him and him at me. Not that anger solves anything, but I think we would both be justified in being upset with the ways we failed each other. We could have tried harder, I think. But maybe not. Maybe we would never have gotten it right again. That's hard to admit, but maybe that's the awful truth. The only way to know involved a leap of faith he couldn't take, and I (guess I) understand even though I was ready to jump again. Maybe he's just smarter than I am.

Then again, maybe this is just what a breakup is. I don't think you leave a relationship if you love the person and want to be with them. If it's important to both of you, if you are both committed to a life together, you make it work. You don't give up - EVER. You don't leave if things are good. You leave when you aren't in love enough anymore, when things are bad and you think they could be better somewhere else. So in that respect, maybe it's no one's fault.

And to be clear and fair, this was the best relationship I've had. It was near perfect for a while. I will never regret it or the time we had together, and I still believe there is love between M and I. I'd only change the end, and maybe one day, I won't even want to change that. I guess that's the end goal. It's hard to imagine right now, though, when getting through the day without contacting him is a hard enough. Sigh...

Stupid Rental Car...

The universe is out to make me feel better by making me do stupid things. After many years of being a bona fide clutz, I've learned the best thing to do is laugh about these things because if not, I'd spend most of my time crying about all the stupid things I do.

That being said, here's something stupid I keep doing. It makes me laugh each time it happens. I'm driving a rental car with fabric seats; the problem is, my car has leather seats. Since I'm used to collapsing into my seat and sliding right over into my sweet spot this is causing problems. With fabric seats, I collapse and just stick, instead of sliding. It's very annoying because then you have to rearrange your clothes because they get all twisted. Of course, modifying the way I sit is out of the question. I refuse to bend! I am a flopper and slider, not a sitter and scooter.

PostScript

My mom told me I don't have to throw the emails away EVER if I don't want to. Apparently, in the olden days (ha), people used to write to their lovers on paper. These writings were called love letters, and some people kept them forever.

I've Got a Secret

If you know me, you are probably aware of my obsession with PostSecret (www.postsecret.com). It started out as a community art project where people were encouraged to send in postcards that held a secret that they had never shared with anyone. The small community art project has totally exploded. There is now a book (with another one on the way, I believe), the website which is updated every Sunday, traveling exhibits, and the postcards were the basis for the video "Dirty Little Secrets" by The All American Rejects.

A lot of people comment on the postcards they see on the site and most of the time, it's something along the lines of, "I thought I was the only one who felt this way, the only one this had happened to, the only one who knew what this felt like." I think more than anything, even when so many of the cards talk about being alienated and lonely and alone, it reminds you that you aren't. Someone out there feels the same way. It doesn't solve big problems, but it does give you a small connection, even if it's just while you're reading the card. I think for some people, that might be enough to save them.

Anyway, that's why I love the site, because I constantly find postcards that could have been written by me. Like the one on this blog, for instance. Now, I don't have 18 messages. In fact, I don't have any messages, but I do have a text and some emails that I wonder if I'll ever be able to get rid of. And like the secret-keeper says, I don't necessarily read them a lot, but I know they are there and that they're a testimony that there was something between us and it was real and wonderful. I don't know. I should probably get rid of them. Maybe it's a reminder I shouldn't have, but right now, it's a connection I can't break. All things in their own time, I guess.

Civilization Is Going to Peak Tonight

I've been to some good concerts lately. Up until two weeks ago, I had declared the Pete Yorn show at Exit/In, the best I've seen. However, I think Pete may have been unseated last night by a $7 concert ticket. I am in awe. I went to the Nashville Sunday Night show featuring Josh Ritter prepared to be a little underwhelmed. Oh no. No, no, no, no...it was amazing.

Josh Ritter is a doll. When he sings, he closes his eyes and sings like he's blind - all weave-y and sincere. You know what I'm talking about. He's so personable, and you can tell that he's pretty much really really smart. His lyrics are insightful and funny and sad and so sweet that there was more than one time I found myself wishing someone had written that line about me. Here's an example; this is from the song "Kathleen":

All the other girls here are stars. You are the Northern Lights...Well they try and they try, but everything that they do is the ghost of a trace of a pale imitation of you.

I mean, who wouldn't want to hear that, right? But the most amazing thing about Josh Ritter wasn't even really about him. It was about the audience and the way that apparently everyone connected with him. If you live in Nashville and have ever been out into the music scene, then you know that Nashville's not always a friendly place to play music. Nashville is full of music snobs who go to shows to critique, not to enjoy. Standing up? Uh uh. Dancing? No way. Clapping? Trying that is like trying to clap at a Church of Christ, just see what happens when you try. Of course, that's not always the case, but live music tends to be a kind of somber event here, unfortunately.

But last night, last night was music perfection! He got the ENTIRE audience to stand and clap and dance for TWO songs and his finale was laced through with some of the funniest commentary I've ever heard. He promised us that civilization was going to peak, while he urged us to sing along on the chorus. The commentary was so good - it involved meeting the love of your life and talking about your hopes and dreams and then getting on a train. I know it sounds weird, and it really really was. But it was wonderful too. I think you may have had to been there to really get it - sorry. He wanted us to sing for the love of our life that's just around the corner, for the bliss of staying up all night and risking everything for love. Maybe it's my current "I want to believe in love" mood, but he made you believe it. It was just that kind of night. Just kind of magic.

Ode to My Mom

Although this isn't an ode. Technically an ode (according to the American Heritage Dictionary) is: "NOUN: 1. A lyric poem of some length, usually of a serious or meditative nature and having an elevated style and formal stanzaic structure." This is not a lyric poem and there's certainly no elevated style here, just two thoughts on why I have a great mom:

My Mom held me and cried with me on Friday because she knew my heart was broken.

This one earns top mothering marks, even though I'm not at the point to believe her or even care about this right now. She told me that I was too beautiful and too smart for there not to be a guy out there who was looking for his Allison.

Anyway, it was just what I needed. No judgment or anything else, just shared tears and comforting words. Thanks, Mom.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that I think is the result of the life changing events of yesterday. It's pretty interesting, and I'm trying to let it comfort me some.

I was back in the home I grew up in (who knows why), and I was moving some of these little stone critter things that I collected from the top of a shelf to, well, I don't know where. The important part was I was moving them. That and I kept dropping and breaking them.

They didn't shatter into a million pieces, they just cracked and if you pulled a little, parts of the stone would pull off and you could see a whole other layer of the animal - like their underpants and stuff. Don't ask me why they were wearing underpants, but they were. The only meaning I can come up with for this bizarre dream and the fact that I dropped like 5 of these animals and went through the same realization - that there was something there underneath the broken parts - is that the universe is trying to tell me something.

I haven't worked it all out yet - I think that's going to take a long time - but I think I was supposed to see that even the broken parts are there for a reason. They show you something new. They show you that it's not all gone, that there's something there under the surface. It's not the same as it was, and it's not as pretty but it's not ruined, broken or gone either.

I guess after you realize that, then you have to decide if you can handle that or not. Can you let go of what was to appreciate and love what is now - flaws, disappointments, hurt and all?

Voice Over Thought of the Day (Pretend I'm Dr. Meredith Grey)

I don't know why some people are destined to come into our lives and then leave. Maybe it has something to do with brain space and maximum capacity. If everyone we met and connected with stayed forever, then maybe our brains and hearts would be full by the time we were 16, and we would miss out on other, more important, people to come.

I'm sure you've all heard the saying about people coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I'm not entirely sure what the difference between the reason and the season is, but there you have it. Human relationships from beginning to end explained by a pithy self-help statement.

But anyway, as the reason/season/lifetime seems to be the deal, it's something that everyone has to experience. The question is, how do you identify these people so you can let them help you with your needs, give to them in return, and ultimately let them go gracefully?

Let me know when you figure it out.

Flying Through the Air With the Greatest of (un)Ease

I jumped the other day.

Unfortunately, the ground seems to be approaching awfully fast. I guess there's still time for someone to throw out some pillows, but I'm pretty sure I'm just going to have to take the hard landing on this one.

I know I've done the right thing (ironically enough, I typed "wrong" first) by pushing things so that a decision has to be made, but that doesn't stop the fear and the "did I do the right thing?" questions floating around in my head. What if I shouldn't have jumped? What if I should have been more Zen and waited a bit longer to see where the flow would take me?

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of the rope, the hand, whatever, and move on - even when you know you might be saving yourself or someone else pain. Admitting defeat is not easy. Finding out you lost is hard.

As Coldplay says, "...the hardest part was letting go, not taking part." So I let go, even though I didn't want to. Even though I'm still hoping to be caught.

POSTSCRIPT - There was no easy landing on this one, but that's life right?

image from San Fransisco's Urban Diversion webiste

Jumpin'

RUBE: You like falling, do ya?

BETTY: Well, it's not the fallin'; it's the jumpin'.

RUBE: I'd feel a whole lot better about the jumpin' if it weren't for the fallin'.

BETTY: Fallin's easy - you just fall. Jumping involves strength of will.

RUBE: Unless you're on a plank.

BETTY: Then it isn't your choice. But if it is, it's the best feeling in the world.

RUBE: And you don't care where you land?

BETTY: Landing is a lot like fallin' - you just land.

(VO) If you've been putting off a jump, just putting it off, sometimes the subtle things are what make you take the plunge.

This is from a show that used to be on Showtime, "Dead Like Me." I really loved this episode. I saw it weeks ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I think it's a good, clear rumination (big word, go me!) on the whole action/consequence thing. You never can tell what consequences a certain action will have - aside from the big things, like you know, shooting someone or something like that - but you still have to be willing to put yourself out there.

The more I think about things lately, the more I think that you can never know 100% if ANYTHING you're doing is right. It all comes down to being brave enough to make a choice and take some action. Sure there's a possibility, maybe even a large possibility, that you'll get hurt. It's just what happens, you know? That's life. Sitting still, doing nothing may be safe, but you'll never get anywhere like that. And I think most people would feel better at least knowing they tried to do something different.

Here I Come

I'm having issues, but as soon as I get them sorted out, I'll be back in the blogosphere. Enjoy the bunny until I get everything sorted out.

Things I Learned Recently

Things I Learned Recently (since this has been a draft for over a month)

1. Cats can't taste sweets.
2. Fiddler crabs have tongues on their feet.

That's really it. I can't think of any of random factoids to clog your brain right now.

Specimens

Here’s something strange. I was listening to NPR a few weeks ago and heard an interview with Michael Cunningham, author of "The Hours" and "A Home at the End of the World." He was being interviewed about his new book. Intrigued by the plot, I decided to look for it on Barnes and Noble to see if I would like to add it to my "To Read" list (28 books and growing almost daily).

I knew the book was called Specimen…something. Luckily, his book, "Specimen Days," came back first. But, you know what came back 2nd? "Very Hungry Caterpillar." You’d know it if you saw it - long green caterpillar with red around the eyes. Very iconic. But, where is the specimen part? I'm mystified. This may require a trip to the bookstore for research.

And as an aside, no matter how many times you type it, look it up, read it, etc. caterpillar just doesn't look like it should be a word.

Regression

I'm a dork. Full blown dorky dork. I just finished reading not one, but two articles about the highly anticipated publishing of the next installment of Harry Potter. Sure, that's not too bad. But the fact that I had goosebumps in anticipation is.

C'mon July 16, 2005 at 12:01 am!