I put a new pic up on my profile. The funny thing is, it's pretty much the same picture as before just different clothes and hair. Go with what works, I guess.

I've been reading this book, "The Inheritance of Loss" by Kiran Desai, for like, oh I don't know, maybe a year now. That is NOT typical for me. I have a habit of reading several books at the same time, but I still always finish them in two weeks - at most. This one, not so much. I think I figured out last night that I have like 100 pages left. It's going to be a struggle to finish this book, and yet I refuse to give up (that trait needs to be a post all by itself). Holding the book in my hand and reading the review from Publisher's Weekly made it sound so promising: "In this alternately comical and contemplative novel, Desai deftly shuttles between first and third worlds, illuminating the pain of exile, the ambiguities of post-colonialism and the blinding desire for a "better life," when one person's wealth means another's poverty." I mean, that sounds really interesting, right? And I read her first novel "Hullabaloo in the Guava Orchard" and loved it. Surely, I would love this book too.

But then I opened it up and knew, from the first chapter, that it was going to be a difficult book. Picking it up and then putting it down for months at a time has not helped my understanding of the story. I think there are cultural implications that I just can't wrap my brain around. But I'm to the point now that I don't care if I've understood it (which I haven't); I just want to say I finished it. It feels kind of like when I was in high school drama class and my partner and I had to write a play and we goofed off until like seconds before it was due and then my partner started getting all picky and ridiculous and I had to keep reminding him, "Not good, but done. That's all we're looking for. A "D" for crap is still better than an "F" for nothing."

Wow. After that analogy, I want to finish this book even LESS than before.

I have a big post in my head folks, I promise. It's building like Mt. Vesuvius.

In the meantime, think on this and feel free to let me know what you think. Is it worse to be needy or to be so strong you can't ask for help? I really don't know where that thought came from, but we'll go with it for now.

Why do the people at Lever2000 package their soap in a resealable paper box? They do know that soap is most commonly used with water, right?

Free Love

My friend and I were talking last night after The Amazing Race and we've decided we need to find a hippie boy to fall in love with. I'm a little wary of the combination of BO and patchouli, but as my friend said, we can always get some of that stuff that Medical Examiners put under their noses during autopsies. Besides, what's a little stank in the face of True Love?

Right?

Backlog

Another short post, but I don't have time for writing - only reading. I have 8 unread magazines sitting on my coffee table. When I woke up this morning I only had 6. In the space of a day, 2 more showed up. They're multiplying like glossy, news and entertainment-filled bunnies.

Happy New Year

May your days be merry and bright.

Why I Love the South

We have spells, get crookled and tump over.

We talk about Momma and Deddy and our relatives Uncle Beauford and Aunt Jeffie. 

We're not even from LA, but we have "people."  Of course those people are our kin, but still...

We say things like "riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels."

My feet are freezing, and I'm tired of sleeping with a heating pad to stay warm.  I think this is the week I shall buy an electric blanket. Warm and toasty = bliss.

Things That Are YAY About Today

1.  Eve of long weekend culminating in presents

2.  Numerous compliments on my new hair

3.  Remembering that the stylist told me she thought I was in college

4.  Fun new gigantic bottle cap ring

It's late-ish and I'm tired and I'm about to write something that I don't know if anyone but me will understand.  But here goes...

Have you ever been back to the school you went to when you were a kid?  Were you shocked to see how it had shrunk?  How it was no longer as big, scary and/or impressive as it used to be?  I guess we've probably all had that experience at one time or another.  And the older we get, the more that tends to happen.  Unfortunately, wonder seems to mostly be an experience for kids, which I think is pretty sad. Everyone needs some wonder, I say.

Anyway, not the point.  The point is, as I was leaving my friend's house tonight, I was struck with the realization that I have grown into this place, this city, my new home.  This friend's house was the first place I visited before I moved here and because of other events associated with this place, I remember clearly the first night I was there.  I remember driving up in the dark and the whole place seeming so big and exciting and new.  Everything all at once.  And I felt tiny, but not in a bad way.  There seemed to be so many things that could happen, so many ways to change and grow.  And, that was the reality - change came at an unreal pace that year, some really good, some really bad.  The growth part, well, the jury's still out on that one. 

If I'm being honest, I guess I felt tiny for a long time here.  But, not so much tonight.  I was life-size again when I drove out of her parking lot and while maybe not quite as exciting, it was a nice feeling.  It's a big world...I'm sure I'll be small again at some point.  I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.  I guess small means big things are on their way.  

So.  I don't think I really said what I wanted to say.  My realization was actually less about how I am today, than how I was then. I just remembered that night so clearly as I left.  It was like I was watching it on a screen, happening all over again.  Very strange and bittersweet.  Bah...I'm just rambling.  I can't say what I want to say; it's just not coming out right.  These are definitely thoughts too big for my head.    

Zoom Zoom

I've been trying to deny it, trying to ignore it, but the loud squeaking of the pieces of my dashboard as they rub together cannot be ignored much longer.  Every time I hear it, I cringe a little and wonder if this is going to be the time, because of all the cracks, my airbags deploy as I go over a bump.  I am going to need another car, sooner rather than later.  I thought I would drive this car until the wheels fell off, not until the dashboard fell through the engine and landed on the ground (and yes, that has already happened to one small section).  

Ah the sweet bliss of a cold, dreary Friday.  I wonder if it's possible to stay in pajamas the ENTIRE weekend?  

(More) Things You Never Needed to Know About Me

On Clothing, Shoes and Meg Ryan

Even though I am, perhaps, the very last person you'd think of if I said who reminds you of Meg Ryan, I kind of felt like her (circa "You've Got Mail") today.  I think it was the skirt, tights and shoes combination.

I shined my dull, scuffy black shoes today and each time I looked down, I felt a sense of accomplishment at my shiny shoes - which is better than the last time I wore them when I felt a sense of disappointment every time I looked down at my dull, scuffy shoes. I am tempted to go home and shine all of my shoes, but know I won't.

I wonder if it's my shoes that made me think about Meg Ryan or Meg Ryan that made me think about my shoes?  That's the universal question, in a way, I guess.  Chicken or the egg?  Meg Ryan or shoes? If you think pondering that question will help you figure out your place in the universe, then I give you my permission to ask it of yourself.  You're welcome.  

On Groceries

Clementines are my favorite fruit.  They are the sunshine of the beginning of my season of discontent each year.  They are also on sale at Publix for $3.99.

I think self checkout lines at groceries are stressful unless you're only buying two things.

I inadvertently spent $5 on three apples.  I forgot they're priced by weight.  No more big, fat Honeycrisp apples for me.  

On Illness, Kleenex (somewhere a trademark department cringes) and Purses

Since I have been sick, I have been very diligent in the kleenex department.  Today I realized that I have five pocket packs of kleenex in my purse, all in various stages of use (not use, use - that's gross. I mean a different number of tissues in each pack.  Just to clarify.) And at one point today, I also had two boxes of kleenex on my desk, but that was really out of my control.

Re:  kleenex.  I think my purse is too big.

The Red Cross is stalking me.  I may have to file a restraining order.

I feel like there was some other minutiae I was going to share with the world, but now I can't remember what it was.  So there you have it - some things about me today, Monday, December 10, 2007.  My computer, Nashville, Tennessee, United States, North America, Earth, Milky Way, Infinity.

Funniest Thing I Heard Today

"Zombies are stupid. They are baffled by concepts like doorknobs."

The Irreference Report podcast on Quirkbooks.com

I mean, come on, how true is that?!

I haven't had a cold in maybe 2 years.  Apparently now I'm making up for lost time.  And yes, it is 3 in the morning.  I can't sleep because I'm so congested.  I just took more medicine in hopes of unconsciousness.  

I've heard it said that every pot has a lid. But what if I'm a wok? Or a crepe pan? Do they have lids too?

(and what if I'm not a cooking implement at all?)

Mantra: repeat as necessary

what other people think of me is none of my business

gobble, gobble, sip, burp

I went to the liquor store yesterday at lunch. Let me offer some advice: don't go to the liquor store the day before Thanksgiving. Trust me, and you're welcome.

The man in front of me bought $178 worth of liquor. I'm thinking he's either going to have a great Thanksgiving or his guests, in an alcohol induced rage, are going to turn on him and chase him around with the carving knife or set his house on fire after a turkey frying accident. Either way, I bet it will be a Thanksgiving celebration to witness; any family dynamics that require that much booze have to be entertaining.

I'm a big fan of magical thinking

Sometimes I think "If I pick up my paper towel that fell out of the trash and onto the floor because the can was too full, it will add to my bank of karma and make my life better." Maybe, though, all it really does is make me a little less lazy and the bathroom a little cleaner. Then again, maybe it's all the same thing.

...sigh...

For no apparent reason, I'd like to tell you that my favorite dinosaur is the Brachiosaurus. Here's a picture:

That's a happy dinosaur, right? When I was in grade school my parents helped me make a papier mache Brachiosaurus. And by helped, I mean they made a papier mache Brachiosaurus. But I was the one who painted him a strange brown color. I think he might be around somewhere still. He's probably hidden wherever the handmade, hand-painted pig with the sunshine on his butt is. Sigh...nobody gets my artistic genius.

(On papier mache art projects - I think that's probably the kind of thing they don't tell you about when you want kids. WARNING! You will be forced to create extinct animals from gooey, watery paste, paper towel holders, newspapers and a hairdryer at 10 o'clock the night before the project is due. Also you'll have to make a diorama of the desert.)

A Quick Rant

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE ROADS IN TENNESSEE?

Has the state ever considered using reflective paint for the roads so when it's dark or raining (or God forbid, dark and raining) drivers can actually SEE the road? That was one of the first things I noticed when I moved here 5 years ago, and it makes me as irate now as it did then.

It'll all be better in the daylight...

I think I have already established on several occasions that I am a fraidy cat at night (if you didn't know this about me, see here). This is not improved by my tendency to have nightmares. The women in my family seem to have a lot of nightmares. I was hoping that this trait had skipped me, and for 29 years or so, it seems it did. But in the last year, I've started having nightmares a lot more frequently. Whereas I used to have a nightmare and just wake up in a sweaty panic, the last few nightmares have sent me either scurrying to the other side of the bed or bolting out of the bed all together. It's really disorienting to suddenly be awake and panting, standing by your bed. Last night I dreamt I woke up and someone was lying beside me, and unfortunately it wasn't anyone like say, Brad Pitt. When I woke for real, I was at kneeling at the bottom of my bed saying "no, no, no." Scary. Disconcerting.

I decided to do some quick research on nightmares. Here's what I found on the website for the International Association for the Study of Dreams: The most common nightmare is one where you are being chased. In adults the chaser is usually an unknown male figure, but for kids the chaser is more commonly an animal or some sort of fantasy figure. I think that's really interesting. I wonder if that has to do with children being more innocent and less likely to associate a person with wanting to harm them? Just a thought.

Sidenote - does the dream where you feel like you're falling and then jerk awake count as a nightmare? Because I actually have that dream several times a month and have had as long as I can remember. An interesting sidenote to that sidenote is that I heard it theorized that the dream comes from the collective unconscious' memories of the time when we were swinging through the trees and a fall could mean death which led to this ingrained fear of falling which eventually led to the dream. Something like that. I don't believe in evolution that way, but it's quite a convenient theory for the dream.

All that to explain why I'm tired and somewhat cranky today. Dreams like that don't make for peaceful sleep later in the night.

So I was thinking about how funny, and slightly sad, it is to grow up and have your birthday wishes turn from things like ponies, puppies and Easy Bake Ovens into things like DustBusters and electric blankets - items that are actually on my wish list this year.

But no matter how grown up we get, some of those outrageous wishes still pop up. This is mine:

Torture

It's not waterboarding, but I wonder what Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey would have to say about this:

Police: Students Used Cookies to Torture

And just as an exercise in creativity, try to imagine what this article might be about before you click the link.

A clean house is a thing of beauty and a joy forever (or until it gets dirty again).

Now, I have something to say.

So I've always thought that tickets were important, nay necessary, for shows which is why I left dinner to go back to my house to print my ticket which is why I freaked out when I got to Exit/In and realized that after I printed my ticket, I left it on the kitchen table. Aye Aye Aye. But apparently tickets aren't as necessary as I've always thought because I got in without having to do any of the things I was prepared to do - cry, beg, say "I'm with the band." authoritatively.

I love a man from Moscow. Idaho, that is. He (Josh Ritter) appeals to my (not so) inner dork. And he sang all my favorite songs.

Babe we both had dry spells,
hard times in bad lands
I'm a good man for ya,
I'm a good man
"Good Man"

Once I knew a girl in the hard hard times
She made me a shirt out of fives and dimes
Now she's gone but when I wear it she crosses my mind
And if the best is for the best then the best is unkind
"Best for the Best"

I pretty much don't know anything about anything, but listen to his music. I think almost anyone could find something to like.

I feel like I should be writing something, but I just don't have much to say. So there. You can't make me. Nya-nya.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

pondering

...I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.

From "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini

Someone has to see this movie so I can talk to them about it!

A geography lesson inspired by the CIA Factbook and my shower curtain

Did you know Lichtenstein (which is so small it's not even on my shower curtain, although Andorra is) and Uzbekistan are the only 2 double landlocked countries on the planet?

Double landlocked means that they are surrounded by other landlocked countries. There are 41 landlocked countries in the world. Kazakhstan is the largest.

So after I figured that part out, I started wondering about seas because Uzbekistan has a sea coast (Aral Sea) and Kazakhstan does too (Caspian Sea). Now to me, that seems to negate the whole landlocked thing, but apparently not. Anyway, then from the question about the sea came the question about the bay...I think you get the picture. My mind is always on a treadmill like this. It's sort of exhausting. So...

A bay is a body of water partially enclosed by land, but with a wide mouth affording access to the sea.

A sea is defined as either a relatively large body of salt water completely or partially enclosed by land OR a relatively large landlocked body of fresh water.

My last geographical factoid didn't come from my shower curtain but from trivia night (although I did confirm it there the next time I took a shower). There are 17 countries that have a border with only one other country. For example, Portugal - the only border is with Spain. Also, Lesotho (S. Africa), Vatican City (Italy) and Ireland (UK), which I guess means that UK fits the bill too (Ireland). If you want to know the rest, I can't help you. I can't remember any more.

My brain hurts, and I think I need to go lie down. I'm an American; I'm not supposed to know these things.

In addition to my shower curtain, special thanks goes to Elly who helped me figure out what double landlocked was.

Breaking News...

I think my ponytail is too tight, and it's giving me a headache.

Further bulletins as events warrant.

Happy Part 2

Sitting on a bouncy exercise ball increases the fun and happy quotient of work by like 2000%. Really.

It's the small things - like my favorite chapstick I've been out of forever and the person who gave it to me - that make me happy.

I had the strangest dream last night. I'm leaving out a bunch because it's stuff that's only interesting to me (in the "whole brain working out problems" theory of dreams). Here's the funny part: I was asking a girl why she broke up with her boyfriend and she told me that it wasn't working because "he had too many options, like Bruce Willis."

Huh?

I have no idea about Bruce Willis and his options. Wouldn't someone like, I don't know, Justin Timerlake or Ryan Phillipe or Jim from The Office make more sense? At least they'd be in my generation. Brains and their dreams are funny things. Bruce Willis, seriously?

A song in my heart

I made up a song as I walked at lunch today. Well, not necessarily made up, but I definitely put my own touch to it. I post it here for your musical edification, and also because it goes nicely with the whole October, creepy Halloween time.

Buzzard Buzzard

Bo Buzzard

Banana Fana

Fo Fuzzard

Me My

Mo Muzzard...

BUZZARD

As a side note, I sing this song entirely too much for a 30 year old.

It really sucks to know that however much someone cares for you, they don't care enough to change anything.

People can be so disappointing sometimes.

If someone asked me what my favorite body part was, I'd say my forearms. And I'd be 100% serious; I really like them.

Is that weird?

all I know...

...was that I was sniveling, the voice over was saying the "the more things change, the more they stay the same," Izzy was opening the door to George, and my TiVo quit.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Give peas a chance.

I'm eating peas with my dinner, and I'm actually kind of enjoying them. I don't think I've ever eaten a pea without gagging.

I've decided that the next time it comes up (peas in conversation?), I'm going to try to convince the person I'm talking with that capers are pickled peas. They look similar.

My head (and hands) are spinning

Just saw the new icon to add video. Gonna try it out. I saw this on Ellen and it blows my mind every time I watch it. Little boring at the beginning but keep watching. It kind of makes my hands twitch as I watch it.

A Few More

These are my favorite pictures - LAST CHANCE, cheery cemetery names, a tiny ass and a talking chair.

I indulged my inner photographer this weekend. I'm not very good. Oh well...these were semi-successful shots. Pretty much everything is crooked. I need a tripod or a level added to my camera. Then again, I'm always a little off balance, so it's fitting.

"As I let go of the past, the past let go of me."
The Stolen Child by Keith Donohue

Good book. A sort of fairytale for grownups.

R is for radish.

What tastes like a radish that isn't a radish? Because something in my salad tastes just like a radish. I'm frightened. And a little grossed out; I hate radishes.

We're coming to the chorus now...

And I realized that I might lose you.
You might lose me.

Drift apart in the night
And never know why
And not know how.
I said what if we are like the Northern sky?

What if there are things that come between us
That we can't take back
And we can't make right?

You said I don't know darlin'

But I'm here with you now.

Josh Ritter.

Exit/In.

November 2, 2007.

You should be with him then.

Now that we've met

We can only laugh at these regrets

Common as a winter cold

They're telephone poles

They follow each other

One, after another, after another

But now my heart is green as weeds

Grown to outlive their season

And nothing comforts me the same

As my brave friend who says,

"I don't care if forever never comes

'Cause I'm holding out for that teenage feeling

I'm holding out for that teenage feeling"

All the loves we had

All we ever knew

Did they fill me with so many secrets

That keep me from loving you

'Cause it's hard, hard

"That Teenage Feeling"

Neko Case

Genetics

My father was messy with food. I am too. I am at work walking around with chocolate all over my shirt due to an unfortunate melty Dove Bar accident. I kept trying to make it better and, of course, ended up making it much, much worse (isn't that the way it always goes?) by smearing the chocolate everywhere. I need a bib.

I can't find a blog template I like. This is like the third one I've tried today.

How will you know if you've found me at last?

'Cause I'll be the one, be the one, be the one

With my heart in my lap.

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired.

And I wish I was the moon tonight.

~ Neko Case ~

If you like


then you might just like


Supposedly they are equally great and very similar. I'm a little confused by the comparison. Maybe if I knew anything about music (besides what I like and don't like) I would connect the influences and all that junk.

Good, Things That Are

1. Getting so tickled you can't stop laughing.
2. New music.
3. Neko Case.
4. Leiderhosen.
5. Looking at a friend and knowing you're thinking exactly the same thing.
6. It being Wednesday instead of Tuesday.
7. Possibilities.

I love oatmeal creme pies. This is not something I'm particularly proud of because I'm pretty sure they're disgusting, but oh well. One of my favorite things about giving blood is getting my OCP. Last time I donated they were out, so I bought a box to make up for it. Bad idea.

I dreamt I was a bomb last night. It may have been the worst dream I've ever had.

Yummo

I take back every bad thing I've ever said about RuSan's.

867-5309

I remembered a phone number today that I haven't called in, like, 4 years. Granted, I used to call it daily, but why remember it now? A few months ago I tried to remember it, just to see if I could, and...nothing. Today, out of the blue, there it was.

Found Wisdom

I am willing to consider that there is another way to adjust.

I don't know where I found this, but it's been oddly reassuring the last week to look up and see it stuck to my computer screen.

Willing to consider...it doesn't mean that there is necessarily another answer or that if there is, that it's the right one. All you have to do is take it into consideration. Look at it from another side. Give it a chance. Suspend your preconceived notions. Open your mind a bit.

I would assume that most problems have many possible solutions - several of which that could be considered a "good solution," so why not give some extra consideration to all the other ways you could react to a situation? As a hard-headed only child, it's sometimes hard to remember that. Especially when a certain situation could have lots of possible resolutions to it (and you're really only willing to consider one). Not sure what you do then. Force it until it breaks, I guess. I've always had great sucess with that. Stubborness may be my greatest flaw and greatest attribute. Funny how that works, huh?

What now?

Done. 759 pages in 16 hours (actually, 10 since I was asleep for 6 of those hours). Sometimes I scare myself. I have a total book hangover. I look deranged. I haven't eaten all day. Perhaps I should eat. And shower.

What happens when right doesn't feel right?

I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing.

Right?

It's a seller's market

Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
We're still livin' here, how come nobody can tell

Tell 'em that the house is not for sale
We could grab a couple sheets, yeah, give 'em quite a scare

-Ryan Adams

(maybe it's time to think about selling)

I want...I want...I want...I want...

I am a yearner...I yearn for things.

I saw a commercial for a pill that promises to offer you relief from urges. Of course, it's relief from an overactive bladder, but it got me thinking; I need that pill for my existential self. If only I could have relief from my urges. I could probably use that pill on a daily basis for one thing or another.

More happiness that money can buy and some that it can't

Introducing my new furniture. TA DA! It makes me very happy. It was a little more than $3 though. Interestingly, the circumstances around it being delivered make me just as happy as the new furniture does.

I've been extremely blessed this week by easy sailing. Easy sailing is not something I usually expect. Crisis? Plague? Nuclear explosion? That's what I usually expect (could it be that I get these things because they're what I expect?). But, I think because I've been having a stressful time the last couple of weeks, God decided to take some roadblocks out of my way.

I have a great friend who let me borrow his car while mine was in the shop. My car bill was $0, even though they did a lot of work figuring out what was wrong with it to begin with. WalMart (of all places) replaced my tire for free; I didn't even have to resort to threats! My furniture was delivered 10 minutes BEFORE the delivery window - even on Friday the 13th. Seriously, if any one of these things had gone wrong, it would have added so much extra stress that I prolly would have had my own nuclear explosion. But no, everything was fine. That's an unbelievable blessing, and I can't even express how grateful I am for all the things that somehow managed to go right.

LIFE IS GOOD.

Happiness is stupid stuff I don't need

Ok, I can appreciate the ridiculousness of the title of this post, but this little travel mug makes me insanely happy for several reasons. #1, it's small and cute; it's actually quite tiny (8 oz.) compared to other travel mugs. I feel deeply that this is the perfect size for a travel mug because #2, it just fits a cup of my equally happy-making tea in the morning. And #3, it was on clearance for like $3. So it's happiness at a bargain basement price. How can you look at it and not be happy?

Russian Roulette

I feel like I'm playing Russian Roulette every time I drive my car. I've taken to driving on secondary roads to try to prevent a fiery crash and my untimely death. Think I'll get that taken care of tonight.

If words meant anything

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh, oh
Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you, won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

The Fray "Look After You"

Then Again, It Just May Be

Well my dad told me one-day son, this girl will think of what she’s done
And hurting you will be the first of many more regrets to come.
And he said if she doesn’t call then it’s her fault and it’s her loss.
I say it’s not that simple see, but then again it just may be.

The Avett Brothers "I Would Be Sad"

Then again, it just may be. I love it.

Crash (I'm the last splash)

I'm having a weird blood sugar moment. I hate when this happens. I'm all shaky and weak and it leads me to eat a lot of weird stuff just trying to get everything back on track. A couple of almonds, some whole wheat wheat thins and a glass of orange juice.

Ninja Warrior

Stephen asked me if I was a ninja now. I can neither confirm nor deny my involvement with ninjas. But I can hang, upside down and silent, from the ceiling of any building. Think what you want.

I'm a black and white kind of person. I can usually see the greys, but I want NOTHING to do with them. Everyone else can have their greys, but I want my cut and dry black and whites. Unfortunately for me, it's pretty much NEVER that simple. Life, emotions, relationships, people, they're all lived in technicolor - lots of shades and variations. For me, that's kind of exhausting. But, I am trying. Since I obviously can't change it, I'm trying to be more accepting and mindful of the greys. In that vein, I've been examining a lot of greys lately, from my life and the lives of some of my friends.

Here's my latest grey thought...

As a person in a relationship and a person in your own right, is it ultimately necessary to be more responsible to yourself than to a relationship? I don’t know if that’s clear or not. What I mean is, how do you know, even if you love someone, that it’s time to take care of yourself and your happiness and leave the relationship? How does that theory work with the idea of commitment and such? They seem to be mutually exclusive ideas and ways of acting. That's confusing.

Type A (and I don't mean blood)

I had an epiphany tonight. So, this is me: Control Freak. But here's the twist: I'm really only interested in controlling the things I can't control - the weather, other people, the future, etc...The things that are actually in my power to change - like my attitude, my actions, my present day - I'm like, "Eh, eff-it. Controlling those things is not as heady (or maddening) as playing God and trying to control the uncontrollable."

Interesting. Very interesting.

Awesome. Totally Awesome.

I feel so good today. Today I finally had my deep breath moment where I knew all the way down to my bones, my soul, that everything is going to be ok. That rocks. It makes me want to cry, actually, but not in a sad way - in a grateful to the universe way.

So.

I've had a lot of difficult choices to make lately. Actually, let me rephrase that, I've had lots of difficult choices that I should have made lately, and yet, have not. I was telling someone last night that I really wish I could have some easy sailing. You know, time where my most pressing decision is, I don't know, what to wear in the morning or where to eat this weekend. But as I think about it, I wonder if the reason I keep having big decisions to make is because I avoid making them. Like is this a lesson (making the tough choices) I need to learn, and it's going to keep getting presented to me until I figure it out? This is what my friend calls the Lazy Susan approach. It's going to keep coming around until I take it off and deal with it.

Heebie Jeebies

Pan's Labyrinth got in bed with me last night. I'm glad I didn't watch it alone; I don't know what I would have done then! Someone would have been getting a late night phone call. Someone almost did anyway (although I don't know who I would call. At 2 a.m. my friends might be more dangerous than an intruder). It was a beautiful movie, and I was really entranced by it. In fact, I'd even say I loved it, but I guess the violence and creepy imagery got to me.

Side note - I AM the person that still makes sure the closet door is closed when I go to bed and who makes sure to take a big step away from the bed when getting up in the middle of the night. I sometimes run back from the bathroom convinced there is something on my heels. Only one night in recent memory have I slept with my closet door open, and I really did think the next morning, "Wow. That was a close call; I'm glad nothing got me." We all have our things. And I just think why tempt fate, you know? Anyway...

I woke up at 1:45 hearing noises and ended up sleeping (read: laying in my bed with my eyes wide open trying not to breathe so I could hear the person I knew was creeping down my hallway) with my cell phone and glasses next to me in bed. This was not a "I am woman, hear me roar." kind of moment. It was a "shrink under the covers and pray for morning" kind of moment.

It's A Miracle (kind of)

So, the driver side water squirty nozzle thing on the hood of my car has not worked in - oh I don't know - years. I've stuck pins, earrings, whatever sharp thing I had available, into the nozzle trying to make it work and always...nothing. And it was a big irritation because, of course, it had to be the one on the driver's side that was messed up. I don't need a clean passenger windshield; I need a clean driver one.

I don't even remember the last time I tried to make it work because honestly I had given up on it ever working again. Then, lo and behold, the other day I was trying to wash some bird ick off the passenger side windshield, and water streamed miraculously from BOTH nozzles!! My car spontaneously healed itself. I am very excited by this miraculous turn of events.

I wish all problems would spontaneously fix themselves if you just gave them a little time. Then again, maybe most problems do...Zen and the art of water squirty nozzle things.

Good start to the day

My favorite Exxon employee called me beautiful this morning.

I went to my first drive-in last night - the Moonlite in Woodbury. Fun stuff. It was so 1950's of us.

I don't like your girlfriend

She's like so whatever,
I think we should get together.
Hey! (Hey!) You! (You!)
I don’t like your girlfriend!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! (Hey!) You! (You!)
I could be your girlfriend

Am I the only one who sees the potential for using this song in some teenage romantic comedy where the girl next door pines for the best friend who recently dropped her to date the popular cheerleader who lives to make the little people's lives miserable? And of course, for no apparent reason, there will be some choreographed group dance numbers too.

Picture it: the girl next door (and, I'm thinking, the boy's little sister for added cute factor) are plotting against the horrible girlfriend/cheerleader and creating all kinds of havoc - perhaps involving water balloons, mustard and a wet dog or rigging the school election or putting chiggers in her bloomers before the big pep rally - in an effort to show that the girlfriend is snobby, uptight and all wrong for said boy. Hilarity will ensue.

I might go see that; I'm a sucker for choreographed dance.

Are you smarter than a 2nd grader?

If you work where I do, apparently not. Hence, the occupation listed on my profile: mis-educator of America's youth. Here's some background that quickly becomes relevant - my favorite part of my job is going through the mail that comes to our PO Box.

We once received complaints that the wise men and shepherds on our Christmas cards looked like terrorists. We also get an alarmingly large amount of mail from various correctional facilities around the country. In fact, in the latest batch there was a letter from a correctional facility in Illinois and New York. Scary.

But the best thing we've ever gotten was the large packet of letters from a class of second graders in Lyons, KS (here's the mis-education part). They wrote to point out: Birds are NOT mammals. Yes, in our book "Birds: Wonders of Wildlife" (which I can at least say was produced before I started working here), we made the rather outrageous claim that birds are mammals. Here's a sampling of what 2nd graders think about that:

"You made a slight (!) mistake in the book...I am sorry but I bet you will get it next time. I know some facts about birds. Birds can fly." Not all birds can fly, smarty pants.

"You have made a huge mistake." Simple, I like it.

"It says birds are one of the most fascinating mammals on earth. Yes birds are fascinating, but they're not mammals." Very diplomatic.

"You have made a mistake in your book but mistakes happen to everyone. It's ok." Winner for most compassionate.

"Mammals have hair, not birds." This is my favorite, because of the funny syntax error. Get it? Mammals don't have...never mind. I'm a dork.

Here's the thing, though. Once I got to thinking about it, I couldn't figure out what birds actually are. I also made the mistake of saying that frogs were reptiles, totally forgetting about amphibians. Not my finest moment. So after some research, I have learned that birds are considered aves, like dogs are considered mammals. I have to give that explanation because now I don't know if these labels (aves, mammals, amphibians, reptiles) are classes, species, genuses, or what. Looks like I have some more research to do.

Eww, ick

The inside of my car smells disturbingly weird.

One of the oddities I was talking about over there

My coworker has an ant inside his computer monitor. You can see it, as a shadow, running around all over. I have never heard of such a thing and until this point wouldn't have thought it was possible.

A Perfect Day

I think I might have had a perfect day today. I managed to do (or not do) pretty much all the things that I should have done (or not done). I worked hard. I played hard. I ate my favorite Nashville meal. And I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face. If that's not a perfect day, I don't know what is.

Truth or Consequences

I've been thinking a lot about trust lately. It's a strange thing when you think about it. We know what it is, we know how it feels on a gut level, but how do you get it? Where does it come from? Shared experiences, I guess. Time. Love. How do you know you can really trust someone, though? Maybe you never really know. People, me included, are good at hiding things. Sometimes I think we're better at lying than we are at telling the truth. Sometimes lying is easier, I guess. And we all know we want easy, right?

I'm sure everyone had the experience growing up where we did something bad, got caught and then got the "you abused our trust" conversation. Always ended the same way, "you'll have to work to earn our trust back." That's the part that seems a little fuzzy to me. How? How do you make it up? How do you let that person anywhere near you again? How do you trust someone that's let you down? Who's that brave? Who wants to risk getting hurt again?

Here's another trust thing that I'm sure everyone has heard about. Remember the game you'd play at camp or at team-building sessions for work or school or whatever - the one where you'd have a partner and would fall back and they would catch you? Or even scarier, the one where you'd stand on a ledge and fall back into a bunch of people's interlocking arms? I've NEVER done that and all of a sudden that makes me sad. I guess I'm not a very trusting person. I wonder what that says about me? I don't think I let people in. I want to, but I never do - not all the way. I think trusting others is a reflection of trusting yourself, and maybe I don't really.

But, then I hear "Blue Sky" (see my previous post) and think that maybe I could do it. Maybe I could close my eyes and fall back into someone's arms. I know there are lots of arms out there that are ready to catch me if I just go ahead and fall away. Maybe I don't have to live the ways I've always lived. I know change is a glacially slow process, but I'm working hard on it. I don't want to hold people at arm's length. I am who I am and if you don't like it, can't deal with it, are put off by it, then you can find the door.

Forget the concept of Americans' "personal space."

Fall away, I say. Get close enough to catch me. Bring it on.

Blue Sky

The farther I come the farther I fall
Whatever I knew it was nothing at all
Nothing at all, just making me small
Smaller and smaller I fall back
Sooner or later with a view from the ground
Chasing the race and the races run you down
Sooner or later with a view from the ground
And a tear in your eye
You say baby why can't we fly
In the blue sky
High
In the blue sky
Be my singing lesson
Be my song
When I tell you I'm falling
You tell me I'm strong
You say trees have grown tall birds have flown high
Higher and higher
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
I'll fly over a rainbow
I'll be sun kissed
Sail around the planet Venus
And send a long letter
Way back home
That says all that I know
All that I know is the blue sky
High
In the blue sky
The farther I come the farther I fall
Whatever I knew it was nothing at all
Trees have grown tall, birds have flown high
Higher and higher
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

Aren't you happy it's finally a happy Patty Griffin song? Go find it and download it! "Whatever I knew it was nothing at all." I love that! I'm a freak who pays a little too much attention to song lyrics, but this song made a huge impact today. It gives me hope. Silly, I guess, but there you have it. I'll take hope wherever I can get it. Hope is never a bad thing.

It's Never Rained Like It Has Tonight Before

This has been one of the most awful, up and down, emotional weeks I've ever had. I guess there might be a few other weeks that rival or even surpass it for outright crappiness (I can name 2 without thinking), but it was the dizzying heights and the crashing lows that were the real problem.

Despite all that, I didn't break down and cry like a baby at the Patty Griffin concert. It's a feat I'm semi-amazed at, because I cry when I listen to her even when everything is A-OK. When she sang "Rain," I felt the tears welling up to the tip top, but they didn't fall (surface cohesion at work, I guess). I blinked them back with all I had because I refused to be the dope that personalizes everything they hear. At least I refused to be that person for a minute, and that was enough to get me through it.

It was a great concert, and I'm wearing an awesome t-shirt now. It's my new favorite t-shirt. I may never take it off again. It combines two of my favorite things - Patty G. and birds. Bliss.

Victory in our time!

Success! I beat the noodle bowl!

Grrrr...

I made a noodle bowl for lunch today. EVEN THOUGH I was very aware that I needed to dump the water out very carefully, forces were working against me. The steam burned my hand, my hand jerked away from the bowl, the lid fell off and my noodles ended up in the kitchen sink. Sigh.

But, I decided to use this as an object lesson to help me study for my test on the nervous system tomorrow. Let's see...so me jerking my hand away from the sensation of pain shows my Class A Fibers in action. Class A Fibers, not to be confused with Class B or C Fibers, have the largest diameter of neuron fibers and are fully myelinated. Being fully myelinated helps increase the speed with which these fibers can detect and then relay stimuli to the brain. You can find Class A Fibers in both sensory and motor nerves. And, if I have it right, the sensory A fibers were the ones that said to my brain, via my spinal cord, "Ouch! That's hot. We should do something about that." Then, my motor A fibers told my skeletal muscles, "Hey dummy! That's hot. Move your hand." Or something like that.

Just in case you wanted to know.

Things that make you go hmmmmm...

So if you're a regular reader of my blog, you may have noticed that I have slacked off a bit in the posting department, both in quantity (and maybe quality) and length of posts. Things have gotten really busy lately with school coming to a close for the semester (4 tests in 2 weeks, how much fun is that?) but that's not the only reason.

I was talking to a friend the other night about blogging and why I do it and this popped out: "I find it easier to blog when I'm sad or upset. It's my outlet when I need to let stuff out." I think everyone could agree with me on that. But are we getting the "meta-message" here? I hope so.

The realization made me, well, happy.

YAY FOR GIRLS!

I just have to say, I love my girls! It's been a long time since I've really felt like I had girlfriends, and now I have so many. It's great to know you always have someone to talk to or someone to do something with if you need distraction, a laugh, or a hand.

Speaking of, better go consult on outfit choices for the night! What's more fun that that?

This is the fun part - when anything (or nothing) could happen.

What a weekend!

Don't you hate when the weekend's over and it feels like you didn't even have one? That was mine this weekend. Pretty much every hour was scheduled (with fun stuff, but still). I hate that. I need some lay around and do nothing time each weekend. Now I've got 5 days until my next chance at relaxation. Poo.

You have to watch this...

...you will scream in disbelief at the cuteness of it. Make sure you watch until the end. The real cuteness is there.

Otters Holding Hands

whatever normal is now

"It's been a year of strange choices and often embarrassing decisions on my part. I've made new relationships and lost others. Some people involved with all of this were more innocent than others. Those who weren't know who they are. There are others that will be shocked by what I have to say here. There are some who probably knew what I was doing all along. My only defense is that I never meant to hurt anybody. Looking back now, I know I was searching for something."
"Why Girls Are Weird" Pamela Ribon

I could have written that about my last year. I'm tired of the strange choices and embarrassing decisions. What I feel is no longer new or newsworthy, not even to me. What I feel isn't important now; it's not even particularly interesting anymore. My year of magical thinking is over. I'm still searching, but not for the same things. I wish it was as easy as shutting off a switch, but if it was, I would have done that long ago. I think. Maybe. As well as a first class magical thinker, I'm a glutton for punishment too.

It's strange how things speak to you sometimes. I have to admit that I'm the kind of person that looks for things, for connections, for signs, for meaning, for something (for anything, it feels like sometimes). I need a reason. There has to be a reason, right? Except maybe there isn't. Or maybe there is, but maybe you will never understand it. Maybe you don't need to. Maybe understanding is less important than accepting.

"Well I've been here before, sat on a floor in a grey grey mood, where I stay up all night and all that I write is a grey grey tune. So pray for me child, just for a while, that I might break out, yeah. Pray for me child, even a smile would do for now."
"Grey Room" Damien Rice

Expanded Pink Bullets

I am in love with The Shins. Here's more from that song "Pink Bullets." It's such a lovely song and sweet video. YouTube it if you haven't seen it.

When our kite lines first crossed
We tied them into knots
And to finally fly apart
We had to cut them off.

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
So you understand less as the pages turn
Or a movie so crass
And awkardly cast
That even I could be the star.

I don't look back much as a rule
And all this way before murder was cool
But your memory is here and I'd like it to stay
Warm light on a winter day.

In case you were wondering...

...which Seattle Grace doctor I am most like, it's Addison.

Silly, but if you want to see who you are go here.

Pink Bullets

But your memory is here and I'd like it to stay,
warm light on a winter's day.

Should you shave your head? Make a big change? Do something symbolic? Read this. It might help you decide.

I Wish You Had Seen This

This story is the perfect example of how trying too hard NOT to do something can actually make that thing happen. It's like how you're not supposed to think about or look at the scalding hot mug of tea when you're carrying it because if you do, you're bound to slosh it over the edge and burn yourself.

The story starts yesterday morning when a big glob of toothpaste fell onto the top to my can of mousse. In a rush as I always am, especially on Tuesdays, I left the glob to clean up later or never - whichever came first. This morning I needed to use my mousse so I was very carefully trying to remove the top (this is the scalding hot tea part) without sticking my hand into the goopy toothpaste. Somehow, I squeezed the top too hard, it shot off over my head, hit the bathroom floor, ricocheted up about 6 inches onto the tile wall, AND STUCK THERE.

We would have laughed about this. I wish you had seen it.

The Guilty Pleasures are my guilty pleasure.