The Song I'm Listening To

Let me start by saying that this is my theory du jour. It's my way of trying to make sense of things. I'm sure it will change a hundred times before I actually figure things out - if I ever figure things out. Anyway, that's my disclaimer for when I totally change my mind and start over with a new theory. Har.

While I'm in the car, I'm listening to the song "Cigarettes" by The Wreckers over and over:

'Cause someday maybe somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove 'cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes and this old dirt road

I love that chorus. The part about not having to prove your worth is the sweetest thing I can imagine. Right now, it's the number one thing on my list for what my next relationship MUST have. I think I've spent a lot of time the last five months, maybe even longer, trying to prove that I was worthy and getting nowhere with it. That's a horrible way to feel - to know that the person who loves you thinks you've made too many mistakes, messed up too many times to forgive, that they liked you better the way you used to be.

And I think I probably did the same thing. I'm not innocent; I was the judge and jury with him too. I realized this morning that we both have a right to be mad at each other - me at him and him at me. Not that anger solves anything, but I think we would both be justified in being upset with the ways we failed each other. We could have tried harder, I think. But maybe not. Maybe we would never have gotten it right again. That's hard to admit, but maybe that's the awful truth. The only way to know involved a leap of faith he couldn't take, and I (guess I) understand even though I was ready to jump again. Maybe he's just smarter than I am.

Then again, maybe this is just what a breakup is. I don't think you leave a relationship if you love the person and want to be with them. If it's important to both of you, if you are both committed to a life together, you make it work. You don't give up - EVER. You don't leave if things are good. You leave when you aren't in love enough anymore, when things are bad and you think they could be better somewhere else. So in that respect, maybe it's no one's fault.

And to be clear and fair, this was the best relationship I've had. It was near perfect for a while. I will never regret it or the time we had together, and I still believe there is love between M and I. I'd only change the end, and maybe one day, I won't even want to change that. I guess that's the end goal. It's hard to imagine right now, though, when getting through the day without contacting him is a hard enough. Sigh...