I'm just saying...

I think I saw Big, or maybe it was Rich, in the Brentwood Target at lunch today. At least he looked like he could have been one of them. It's the first "possibly a celebrity" sighting in a while.

What do you think it means?

I had a strange dream this morning about otters. I was working in an aquarium, and I was supposed to be getting to know all the otters. While I tried to distract 2 huge otters that were fighting on my legs and totally freaking me out, a small otter swam over to me, hopped out of the pool, and sat beside me. When I turned around, the otter had become a little girl who looked suspiciously like Dora the Explorer. She kind of wobbled, and I put my hand down to steady her. Then she told me I should tell her to "be careful." So I did.

Um. Ok, then. What a strange dream. Maybe even stranger is the fact that I've sat here and analyzed it. I wonder why these thoughts were so important that my brain had to let them out? I guess my subconscious/unconscious - are they interchangeable? - thinks I need to be more careful. Caring as much as I do, but still trying to move on and heal at the same time, is a tough balancing act. Being a gigantic clutz (physically and emotionally) makes it even harder to do. I feel like I'm juggling all these conflicting emotions - loss, love, anger, hope, disappointment - while standing on one foot and hopping. Sigh...when does it get easier? "Be careful" is good advice right now.

Today is my first day back in school in 8 years. Eeek...

Hospice

Some of you might know that I've become a volunteer at Nashville's Alive Hospice. So far, it's been fulfilling work, and I've been really impressed by the attitude of everyone involved in the organization. Unfortunately on Saturday, I had to deal with the hard truth about hospice care and life in general: everyone dies. I walked into our unit in St. Thomas and noticed with a sinking heart that the first 5 rooms I passed were all empty with neatly made beds - talk about a feeling of foreboding. When I walked into the nurses' station I got the bad news that 6 patients had died on Friday.

I was saddest to find the name of my first hospice friend on the list of deaths from Friday. I was especially sorry and kind of angry to think that if it had not been for hospice, he might have died alone. That's just not right. In fact, to combat that (someone dying alone) Alive Hospice is developing a new volunteer team that will be on call to come to the unit in the event that someone is about to die and has no family or friends to be with them. This is a good organization, folks. I really urge you to consider helping out if you have the time. I know it seems kind of scary and sad, but if I can do it - trust me - you can too!

Since I started volunteering a couple of months ago, I've heard a lot about hospices and palliative care. I don't know if it's because more is being said or if it's just me paying more attention. In any case, I thought I would supply some links to a couple of articles I just read/heard in the last few weeks. I know most people are blissfully ignorant of the hospice concept until someone they know needs it, but it's a great organization that deserves community support.

US hospice industry booms as more opt to manage their death

Caring for Kids at the End of Life

Words cannot express my excitement...

Why Me?

My ulcer is back with a vengenance. I'm in so much pain I don't know what to do; I'm practically in tears. The usual stop-gaps of dairy have not helped. I think I'm going to have to go home. I need my Kefir.

Random Concert Thoughts and Happenings

Have you ever seen a skunk being captured at a rock concert? No? Well, then you are missing out. The event people caught a skunk in a Rubbermaid container about 20 feet in front of us last night. It was surreal and stinky. Although, not as stinky as you might have thought. Perhaps Rubbermaid should consider that in an advertising campaign.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS:
GOO GOO DOLLS - The lead singer for the Goo Goo dolls wore an unfortunate black skull cap last night that made him look like Jay of Jay and the Silent Bob fame. Strange, but true. In the category of Best Lyric by the Goo Goo Dolls, the winner is "I go on as you get colder." I haven't decided yet what I think it means, but I know that it kicked me in the shins when I heard it.

COUNTING CROWS - I had a funny moment watching the Counting Crows. Remember in the movie About a Boy where Hugh Grant is making fun of Toni Collette singing Killing Me Softly with her eyes closed? Basically it was along the lines that the song meant something to her. And that, according to him, was where all the trouble started - in things meaning something. I thought about that last night when I was listening to and singing along with A Long December (with my eyes closed, of course). I had expected the concert to upset me and leave me emotionally wrecked, but it didn't, not really. The only part that did, the only part I closed my eyes to, was that song.

AFTER CONCERT FUN - We were NOT AT ALL intoxicated, and we couldn't find our car. How sad is that? We all thought the other people were paying attention when we parked. People, when you go somewhere where there will be lots of cars, make sure you pay attention to where you park.

Sad Songs Say So Much (Ooo Sha-na-na-na)

I know ashes slowly burn
But every fool has a lesson that's hard to learn
It's a desperate plea but I must say
Oh God help me make it just one more day

There's a glass on the table beside my bed
Where I sleep with a bottle and I wake up dead
I got a hole in the bottom of both my shoes
Hey my step's been heavy since I heard the news

And I know just what you'll say
When I tell you that I'm sorry that I let you get away
Well you'll know I found out
That you're someone else's baby now

I see you when I walk down the street
Your smile's in the face of everyone I meet
Oh and it tears me up to know that he's touching you
And learning all the secrets that I once knew

Do you still leave your clothes piled on the floor
Maybe now you're different than you were before
You got a new way of walking and a different kiss
Oh to keep you together on a night like this
"Someone Else's Baby Now" Will Hoge

A friend turned me onto this song and I totally agree with her; I don't know why this song isn't getting played on the radio. Check it out on iTunes or whatever music service you have available. If you've ever been in love and it didn't work out, you'll get it. It is sad song perfection.

The whole song is great (the first verse is pretty much my daily prayer), but it's the last 2 verses that I really identify with. I've always thought that the best thing about close relationships of any kind - friend or lover - is the way that person becomes your personal historian. That they know what makes you tick, what you like, why you act the way you do. To me, that is one of the best parts of a relationship, feeling like you're completely known and accepted. It's an amazing feeling.

When I heard the last verse, it stopped me in my tracks. It's a truth universal - even though we wish it wasn't - people change. Sometimes when I think of him, I wonder if he's changed. Wonder if he's different. I don't know why I even think about it. I guess it scares me to think that he might be different than he was - although I don't know why - I'm different now too.

I've never understood why I'm often described as stubborn. Today I got it.

Indecision Part Deux (or What I'm Doing)

Ok, it's now Wednesday. I still have no clue what I'm doing. 4 pm tomorrow is approaching way too fast. I swear, every time I get one thing figured out another obstacle pops up. It's very upsetting. It's hard enough to know if what I'm doing is right, but when you throw in how everything keeps changing, it really makes me nervous.

I'm trying so hard to be proactive and well-informed and all that. I am 98% certain that this is what I want to do, but a little voice in the back of my mind wonders on occasion if this is a way for me to run away, especially if I choose the option that could take me out of Nashville a lot for the majority of the next two years.

I never knew before the last few months that doing what was right could be so confusing. I mean, I knew doing right could be hard and scary, but I didn't know that there would be times when you just wouldn't know what right was. Grrrr...I hate being an adult. And whoever said, "the unexamined life isn't worth living" is crazy. "Ignorance is bliss," I say.

Oh, and what I'm doing in the picture is testing our newest product, temporary tattoos. They're for Valentine's Day. Mine says "love stinks," but there are some mushy ones for the kiddos in functional relationships. Gotta say, I really like the wrist tattoo. While I would want something different (don't want to tick off Cupid, right?), I think it's a groovy place for a lil' bitty tattoo.

Indecision

I have to make a potentially life changing decision by Thursday at 4 pm, and I have no idea what to do. None. Not an inkling. I'm going to be reduced to "eenie, meenie, miney, moe," shaking a Magic 8 Ball, or closing my eyes and pointing to one of the options. Which, now that I think of it, is exactly how I ended up at Auburn. Hmmm...that seemed to work out pretty well, perhaps I should use that tactic again.

Seriously? This can't be the way a 29-year-old is supposed to make decisions. Crap.


Image from www.whoknew.us/archives/2004/10/

It's That Time of Year Again...

...when I start asking everyone when it's going to start getting cooler. I never remember, so I always have to ask.

There Is Weather on Both Sides

This grey day is making me blue.

I've just sat through repeated listenings of the new live version of "Rain King" by the Counting Crows. It's so different than the studio version. This one is 7 minutes of intense longing; it's guaranteed to make you look over your shoulder and remember things you thought you'd forgotten. Adam (because, yeah, we're that tight) says, "When I think of heaven, G-d girl, you know I just think of you. Do you think of me too?" How much do I love that? There aren't words.

Words of Wisdom: The Shrug

No, not the weird and unnecessary little half jacket/sweater thing, the "oh well," "dunno," and "I don't give a crap" gesture seen on the left.

The American Heritage Dictionary says that to shrug is "to raise the shoulders, especially as a gesture of doubt, disdain, or indifference."

I've had the opportunity to think about the shrug several times lately with a couple of different relationships. Today, a wise friend gave me this advice when I told her I wasn't going to dissect and pick to death something that happened to me. She said, "Well that's ok, then. Sometimes it's best not to dissect. I think the shrug is underused in our world. Sometimes we just have to shrug things off!"

She's SO right. I know there have been times when the shrug was definitely underused in my world. So prepare yourself...you may be seeing more shrugs from me. You can't always fix/understand/break the will of (ha) people or situations. Sometimes what is, is and no amount of worrying, trying to get your head around, or obsessing is going to make things make sense. Hence, the shrug. It will all be ok anyway, even if you don't understand it. I'm pretty sure of it.

Row Row Row Your Boat, Right Into the Rocks

Here are some canoeing tips you might want to keep in mind:

1. Canoeing is best done in the early morning or late afternoon, as opposed to the middle of the day in August.

2. Canoeing is best done in rivers having more than 2 inches of water.

3. Vigorous shaking of canoe (known as "humping") is effective in removing canoe from all the rocks you will run up on. It will also provide endless amusement to the friends who were able to navigate around the rocks.

4. This is the most important one: never congratulate yourself for staying clean and mostly dry until you are BACK ON DRY LAND. Pride goeth before the fall, and pride will goeth in front of about 20 strangers as you - looking somewhat dapper and fresh faced - slip and fall not once, but twice while your friends look on and laugh hysterically at you resurfacing looking like a drowned rat covered in mud.

Even with the excess of heat and the absence of water, canoeing was lots o' fun. LB and I got stuck on every rock there was, which provided much amusement for everyone else (see rule #3 about humping). We managed to paddle down the river backwards on accident at least once and on purpose a couple more times. We also ran into a beaver dam and a large tree hanging down over the water; I'm sure the ticks enjoyed the ride down the river too. I learned that I, personally, do not have the perfunctory knowledge of physics that help you steer a boat. It was a full day.

On the nature track, I took a long drive last night down some of the lesser used, more scenic roads of Nashville/Franklin, and it was beautiful night for it. Long country drives are one of my favorite things. I find I can get a lot of thinking done out there when it's just me and the kind of coma that comes over you when you're driving with the windows and sunroof open. I remember some really happy times on those back roads when I first started visiting Nashville. As it gets cooler, I will be taking lots more of those drives. Fall evenings are made for them, and I'm all about trying to make sense of things right now.

Lastly, apropos of absolutely nothing, my hair looks quite pretty today. Yay good hair days!

The Song I'm Listening To

Let me start by saying that this is my theory du jour. It's my way of trying to make sense of things. I'm sure it will change a hundred times before I actually figure things out - if I ever figure things out. Anyway, that's my disclaimer for when I totally change my mind and start over with a new theory. Har.

While I'm in the car, I'm listening to the song "Cigarettes" by The Wreckers over and over:

'Cause someday maybe somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove 'cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes and this old dirt road

I love that chorus. The part about not having to prove your worth is the sweetest thing I can imagine. Right now, it's the number one thing on my list for what my next relationship MUST have. I think I've spent a lot of time the last five months, maybe even longer, trying to prove that I was worthy and getting nowhere with it. That's a horrible way to feel - to know that the person who loves you thinks you've made too many mistakes, messed up too many times to forgive, that they liked you better the way you used to be.

And I think I probably did the same thing. I'm not innocent; I was the judge and jury with him too. I realized this morning that we both have a right to be mad at each other - me at him and him at me. Not that anger solves anything, but I think we would both be justified in being upset with the ways we failed each other. We could have tried harder, I think. But maybe not. Maybe we would never have gotten it right again. That's hard to admit, but maybe that's the awful truth. The only way to know involved a leap of faith he couldn't take, and I (guess I) understand even though I was ready to jump again. Maybe he's just smarter than I am.

Then again, maybe this is just what a breakup is. I don't think you leave a relationship if you love the person and want to be with them. If it's important to both of you, if you are both committed to a life together, you make it work. You don't give up - EVER. You don't leave if things are good. You leave when you aren't in love enough anymore, when things are bad and you think they could be better somewhere else. So in that respect, maybe it's no one's fault.

And to be clear and fair, this was the best relationship I've had. It was near perfect for a while. I will never regret it or the time we had together, and I still believe there is love between M and I. I'd only change the end, and maybe one day, I won't even want to change that. I guess that's the end goal. It's hard to imagine right now, though, when getting through the day without contacting him is a hard enough. Sigh...

Stupid Rental Car...

The universe is out to make me feel better by making me do stupid things. After many years of being a bona fide clutz, I've learned the best thing to do is laugh about these things because if not, I'd spend most of my time crying about all the stupid things I do.

That being said, here's something stupid I keep doing. It makes me laugh each time it happens. I'm driving a rental car with fabric seats; the problem is, my car has leather seats. Since I'm used to collapsing into my seat and sliding right over into my sweet spot this is causing problems. With fabric seats, I collapse and just stick, instead of sliding. It's very annoying because then you have to rearrange your clothes because they get all twisted. Of course, modifying the way I sit is out of the question. I refuse to bend! I am a flopper and slider, not a sitter and scooter.

PostScript

My mom told me I don't have to throw the emails away EVER if I don't want to. Apparently, in the olden days (ha), people used to write to their lovers on paper. These writings were called love letters, and some people kept them forever.

I've Got a Secret

If you know me, you are probably aware of my obsession with PostSecret (www.postsecret.com). It started out as a community art project where people were encouraged to send in postcards that held a secret that they had never shared with anyone. The small community art project has totally exploded. There is now a book (with another one on the way, I believe), the website which is updated every Sunday, traveling exhibits, and the postcards were the basis for the video "Dirty Little Secrets" by The All American Rejects.

A lot of people comment on the postcards they see on the site and most of the time, it's something along the lines of, "I thought I was the only one who felt this way, the only one this had happened to, the only one who knew what this felt like." I think more than anything, even when so many of the cards talk about being alienated and lonely and alone, it reminds you that you aren't. Someone out there feels the same way. It doesn't solve big problems, but it does give you a small connection, even if it's just while you're reading the card. I think for some people, that might be enough to save them.

Anyway, that's why I love the site, because I constantly find postcards that could have been written by me. Like the one on this blog, for instance. Now, I don't have 18 messages. In fact, I don't have any messages, but I do have a text and some emails that I wonder if I'll ever be able to get rid of. And like the secret-keeper says, I don't necessarily read them a lot, but I know they are there and that they're a testimony that there was something between us and it was real and wonderful. I don't know. I should probably get rid of them. Maybe it's a reminder I shouldn't have, but right now, it's a connection I can't break. All things in their own time, I guess.