A Change Will Do You Good

I found a nice little article on change yesterday at MSN.com. I can't attribute it to anyone since there was no byline, but I thought it was worth thinking about and, therefore, worth passing along to my part of the internet void. And, since it's almost a new year (and since after the week I've had, I'm considering changing my career to goat herder), I thought everyone might benefit.

...no one can help you with the biggest challenge—the challenge of letting go of the old before you can grab hold of the new. That’s the scary part of making any change, and it is yours alone to do. It’s usually the point where we beat a hasty retreat back to what “is,” thinking that the certainty of misery is better than the misery of uncertainty. At some point we have to step into, and be suspended in, the void between releasing the old and embracing the new. The proverbial “leap of faith” has to be taken.

Har!

I was cleaning out my inbox when I found the following. It's a song (although it reads like poetry) by Josh Ritter, I think. Anyway, it's funny and worth the read if you're bored and wishing Christmas vacation had already started. Enjoy...

Since You’ve Gone
Well there's one thing mama
I think you should know.
It is not love that makes the flowers grow,
but a complex electron transfer process known as photosynthesis
when chlorofyll reacts to the light of day.
But since you're gone the light has gone away.

Well there's one more thing mama
I think you will find.
It is not love that makes the stars shine,
but the spontaneous combustion of super-heated, super-condensed gasses
in a process known as fusion that creates new elements when the time is right.
But since you're gone the stars don't shine so bright.

Well there's another thing mama
I think I should confide.
It is not love that'll turn the tide,
but the net difference in the gravitational pull between the earth and the moon
as it is acted out upon the waves.
But since you're gone I feel washed away.

I could've been a mathmatician,
studied rockets for a livin',
would've worked out better in the end.
But to get more specific,
I'd break every law of physics to bring you back to me again.

Well there's one more thing
I'll tell you if I can.
It is not love that makes a non-stick frying pan,
but a top secret trademark conglomerated,
most likely carcinogenic polyeurothane compound
spreading of microthin substance over a negatively charged layer
of aluminum, copper, iron, lead, vhs, fyi, apple pie, FBI,
and some other elements too.
But since you're gone I wish I'd stuck to you.

I wonder if I can find out where Lloyd Dobl...I mean John Cusack lives?

Watch out Chicago! This hot girl is comin' to your town to heat things up in January...

An Ode to Winter

Ok, not so much an ode as a song, a song that is only peripherally about winter. So whatever...But, it does have what is at this moment my favorite lyric -Your name is the splinter inside me. So descriptive, and yet so simple. This is the kind of thing that people who write, wish they wrote.

I should know who I am by now
I walk the record stand somehow
Thinkin' of winter
Your name is the splinter inside me
While I wait

And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don't have to make this mistake
And I don't have to stay this way
If only I would wake

The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out winter
Your voice is the splinter inside me
While I wait

I could have lost myself
In rough blue waters in your eyes
And I miss you still
"Winter" Josh Radin

The whole winter theme reminds me (I'm not sure why) of my quest to make a CD that has the names of all the months of the year. Strangely enough, although I've been able to think of some fall and winter songs - spring and summer, not so much. Here's all I have so far:

"September" Earth, Wind and Fire
"November Rain" GNR (rock!)
"Long December" Counting Crows

And I could technically use this song and get November and December out of the way all at one time. But that's all I can think of. I think that John Mayer might have a song with some months in it, but maybe not, maybe it's just holidays. Can anyone help me out?

Snow...

...YAY!

It's good, when you're having an annoying day, to look HOT and have really nice smelling hair. That's what I think, at least.

Is this the real life "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"?

Stress, Dealing with the Holidays and

This year I'm trying yoga and kid's movies like "Ice Age 2: The Meltdown" and "Over the Hedge."

The Long Ride Home

I've had some time to think about it
And watch the sun set like a stone
I've had some time to think about you
On the long ride home
"Long Ride Home" Patty Griffin

I've had several long rides home during my lifetime. One was when my dad died; another a few weeks later when I came home for the first Thanksgiving without him. The latest long ride home was tonight.

And I know I'm not the only one. I know there are people all over the country taking long rides home this weekend. I have friends who are spending their first holidays without loved ones, family and friends of friends who are spending the last holiday with a loved one.

Here's to trying to find beauty in the ride.

Happy Thanksgiving all. To my friends and family, each of you are what I'm thankful for. You've made me what I've become this year - so much stronger, braver, happier, goofier, surer of myself. Thanks for accompanying me on the dark and light parts of the ride.

Boy do I have a lot to say...

But I don't have time to say it. Grrr. I want my computer back! Hopefully next week...

So here's my initial thought (I'll try to come back to this later). I thought Grey's Anatomy last night was great. I was, stupidly enough, in tears for most of it. Sniff. At one point Addison looks down at her ex-husband and then at her hand, where she's still wearing her wedding ring, and says something to the effect of "everyone is moving on." I was thinking about that and how the corollary to that is - to move on you have to let go.

And I think that's the rub. Moving on isn't the hard part, I think it just happens; it's the letting go you have to work on. I've been talking with a friend who's thinking of ending a 10+ year relationship and every time we talk, I'm struck by how much this break up sounds like mine. I think it's actually been good for me to see inside that relationship. It's given me a lot more insight to (and empathy for) me AND my ex partner. But it's so hard to do, and I see my friend struggling with the letting go, even though he knows he's ready to move on. It makes me sad for them and us (me & my ex) and everyone else who's had to make a decision like this.

And it's not just relationships, not by a long shot. I'm back to square one with a decision I made months ago, and I feel lost all over again. I wonder if all the roadblocks I keep running into are a sign that I need to move on to something else. I guess my problem is that I have a hard time knowing when you DO need to let go. I can be a bit stubborn, so once I've gotten something in my head, I seem to lose the ability to recognize the times when giving up, moving on and letting go are the best options.

Sigh...

Let Me Entertain You

May I suggest the soundtrack to "The Last Kiss"?

The Joy of Text

I love texting. It's so immediate. So pithy. So useless for meaningful conversation. So fun to see what you spell using T9.

Speaking of texting, my cell phone is on its way out apparently (as are a lot of my other electronic apparati). Think it's time to start looking for a new one. Yippee - that's always fun. I am almost male in my fondness for new gadgets and gizmos.

I just got the most beautiful roses from one of my best friends. The picture doesn't do them justice. They are gorgeous! I like getting weekly flower deliveries - it rocks!

You know those days when everything goes wrong and you can't seem to catch a break and you just want to cry with the frustration of it all? I'm having one of those. It's nothing big, just lots of little things piling up and conspiring to make my day, excuse my French, shitty.

GRRRRRRR...

My job is stressing me out, and I don't like it. I will be stopping at the liqour store on my way home tonight. I think I'm going to need a little wine with my Grey's.

When it's cold outside, I wear socks to bed. But, sometimes in the middle of the night after I've gotten all bundled up under the covers, I get hot. Instead of taking my socks off deliberately, I kick them off in my sleep and the socks stay there wedged at the bottom of the bed. After a couple of nights of this, my bed starts to get a little full and I have to dive under the covers to find all my socks.

Last night I hopped in bed with cold feet and felt around with my toes until I located some socks. I pulled them on and went to sleep. This morning I woke up with my "angry sheep" sock on my right foot and my "superdog" sock on my left foot.

What I Love This Morning

Knee Socks
Down Comforters
iPods
Drives on Sunny Days
Flowers for No Reason
My Brown Boots

Boo!

It looks like Halloween out. Very cool. I'm wearing my "Wicked" socks. They make me happy.

In fact, it's so much like Halloween out, that Dorothy just walked past my window. Side note - I have an obsession with The Wizard of Oz. I just LOVE it. I remember being a kid and watching it every year it came on.

This is a haunted house...allegedly. I don't know where it is; just found the picture and decided to post it in the spirit of the day.

Bugs

There's a Praying Mantis on my window at work. He's gray, although I thought they were supposed to be green. Do they change colors like lizards, I wonder? Oops, he just fell off my window. So much for that distraction...

A Lullaby (of sorts)

May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have that secret hope
Sometimes all I do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
there'll be an endless rope
And nobody crying.
"Nobody's Crying" Patty Griffin


I'm down, and the weather isn't helping. I had a sad dream the other night, and I can't shake it. I think it's funny (yeah, a riot) that even if you can make your waking mind forget, your unconscious is always ready to bring everything back to the surface. Great, just great.

Blah. I would like some sun please. And some chocolate.

I found the song from Grey's Anatomy where Callie is dancing - with what could only be described as abandon - around in her room. The song is "The Mating Game" by Bitter:Sweet. I’m going home, putting on some boycut briefs, sunglasses and a t-shirt, and I’m going to DANCE. I hope I look half as hot as she did.

I've said it once and I'll say it again (apparently)...

The place I work is where love, and staplers, go to die.

Patty and I's Thoughts

So I saw Patty Griffin in concert for the first time this weekend at the American Folk Festival. It will not be the last time. I will make an effort to see her whenever she plays here in Nashville. I've been listening to some of her music today, and I'll say like I always do that I hope she's not as sad as the songs she writes. Although, I don't think she is. She seemed pretty happy on stage - comfortable in her skin. I'm sure writing is her outlet to keep her from going mad.

So, anyway, I've been doing A LOT A LOT A LOT of thinking since I saw her the other night. Something about the way she talks about saying goodbye makes it seem like maybe it can be a beautiful thing to let go - bittersweet instead of just bitter. That's never a theory I've subscribed to. I always fight the ends of things, but listening to her I wonder if maybe there's another way to do it, one that doesn't involve as much drama and pain and confusion. In fact, she has a song called "Goodbye" that says, "I wonder if there was some better way to say goodbye." I wonder that too.

More wisdom from Patty:
So you let time forgive the past and go and make some other plans.
"Not Alone"

Blah

I've started composing about 7 posts, and then for various reasons - too boring, too honest, too strange, too whatever - I've deleted them all. So instead you get a post about my creative process. I'm indecisive today, apparently. All flip-floppy and scattered. Not sure what that's about, but I do not like it.

WAAAHHH!

My foster dog was adopted. It was so embarrassing when they told me; I burst into tears. I didn't get to tell her goodbye. Poo.

Love, Pain and the Whole Crazy Thing

So I just read that Keith Urban has checked himself into rehab. Big deal. Hope he gets better, but it's really of no consequence to me. In the article, it said that because of this he wouldn't be doing a promotional tour for his new album "Love, Pain and the Whole Crazy Thing."

I love that title. I spend a lot of time in awe and wonderment about how strange life can be. And there it is in his album title, life defined in 7 words. It's not particularly detailed. Not eloquent. Just true. Something about the title, knowing that other people are just as mystified and derailed by it, makes me happy.

What else makes me happy?
The Americana Folk Festival.
A cabin.
The Avett Brothers.
Patty Griffin.
Mindy Smith.
Sunny weather.
Sweaters to ward off the chill.
Intimately knowing love, pain and the whole crazy thing and STILL letting yourself be a part of it.

A Frightening (and most likely disturbing) Glimpse Into My Mind

Bath Time Thoughts:
I have long hair, and I shed. A lot. (As an aside, I hate hair that is no longer attached to the place it should be. There is nothing grosser, and yes, this includes my own hair, not just others.) I live in an old house with old pipes. Therefore, unless I want to buy Drano by the truckload, I collect my hair and plaster it to the tile wall to wait there until I can get out of the shower and clean it up. I typically get a square of toilet paper and wipe the tile, picking up the stray hair. I've noticed lately, that when I do that - crumple up the square of paper and see the hair hanging down from the paper - it looks like a jellyfish. It's kind of like a Rorschach test with hair.

I was noticing the other day that I could make a fruit salad out of all the various shampoos, conditioners, gels, lotions, etc...in my shower. I have citrus basil, icy pineapple, coconut lime and apricot. Pretty funny.

Final bath confession - when I was in the shower tonight, washing my face, I somehow managed to jam my finger up my nose. It was not pleasant and now I am left with a little cut on my nostril. How do I do these things?

Latest Running Away Fantasy

I'd like to drive cross country.

Why Nashville Rocks...

Because sometimes on your way home from work, you get stopped in traffic because they're shooting a music video on the side of 8th Avenue. Pretty cool.

Disillusionment

Don't you hate when you think something's going to be easy-peasy and it turns out to be so much harder and more complicated than you thought it would? Sigh...this day has been crappy. I need a do-over.

Wouldn't it be great...

...if when you sneezed, it made your headache go away? Doesn't it seem like it should? You know, you relieve pressure by sneezing and voila! your head feels better. I'm pretty sure that's how it should work.

The Pinnacle of Cuteness

When Bella sleeps on her side, the back leg she's laying on raises up and down in the air. It's so funny.

S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y. Night

I'm at home tonight bonding with my new foster pup. Her name is Arrabella (Bella) and she's a Miniature Pincher, Rat Terrier mix. She's the sweetest thing on the planet, and she has the funniest pointy bat ears. If I had a digital camera, I would put a picture here, but alas, I am not that technologically advanced.

Time to watch some movies with my pup. Too bad I don't have any Lassie or...that other movie about the 2 dogs and the cat that travel across the country to get back home...what was that called? The Incredible Story? The Neverending Story? I can't remember...

Grrrrr

I can be such a social retard.

I've had such a good few months being the social butterfly, and then last night, for no apparent reason, I turn into the girl who sits in the back of the class and eats her hair.

Maybe I'm your leap of faith 'cause you're my amazing grace

"Edge of Love" Mindy Smith

Postscript 10/12 - People, go buy this CD. It was my first birthday present (Thanks LB! Love it! Love you!), and I'm totally enamored by it. It's so beautiful. I was thinking about typing out my favorite songs for people to sample on iTunes, but I think I might end up typing the whole track list. But, here goes - Out Loud, Edge of Love, Please Stay, You Just Forgot, Out of Control. That's good for now and yes, if you listen to them there is a theme, but whatever. Don't you judge me!

Holy Toast

For those of you who know of my love of all things religiously iconic, here's The Holy Toast Bread Stamper. This is funny. I want it.

I also found a Jesus figurine that operates like a magic 8 ball. Sample phrases are: "ask my dad" and "sinner." Blasphemous? Maybe. Really, really funny? Definitely.

Observations

1. Clean hair doesn't just happen. Apparently, you actually have to turn off your alarm clock, get up and wash your hair if you want it to be clean.

2. Tonight was my first Baja Burrito experience, and it rocked. I want to go back again tomorrow. Yummo.

3. Technology rocks. My current favorite thing is abc.com where you can watch episodes of the shows you missed. I've now seen every Grey's Anatomy episode from this season like 5 times.

4. I'm tired. I love my bed, and I can't wait to be in it.

I think it's time we need to change a few things

I cannot stop listening to Mindy Smith's song, "Out Loud." Seriously, I've listened to it like 10 times in a row. It's so beautiful and so sweet - "Why should we stand in lonely shadows with so much light around?" It touches me in a way I can't explain (ok, I just reread this and realized how overwrought that sounds, but hey, sue me. I like my mushy music).

I'm so excited about the Americana Folk Festival at Montgomery Bell - Patty Griffin, Mindy Smith, The Avett Brothers, plus more. It's going to be so nice. Probably all crisp and fall-y. Oooh, maybe I'll get to wear the first sweater of the season. The ticket was not cheap, but it'll be an early b-day present to myself. WooHoo!

Another Short Post

Can't sleep. I have so many thoughts in my head, and I can't make heads or tails of them. I wonder about fate and signs and such. I had convinced myself that I didn't believe in any of it, but lately things seem to be defying rational explanation.

It looks cold outside.

I need to live somewhere that's perpetually sunny. I think I think less when it's sunny.

I am exceedingly giddy.

Where there's a Will, there's a way

You haven't lived until you've gotten into a concert by saying, "I'm on the guest list." It makes you feel very posh - until they say you're not. But then when you can drop a few names and shmooze your way in anyway, that's an even better feeling. I'm very proud of myself!












She's my latest girl crush. I don't know who she is, but she's fabulous and I love everything about her - her hair, her voice, her shirt. She rocks.

I dropped tomato soup on my jeans. Now I have to change. Poop.

I see the moon and the moon sees me...

It's a Cheshire Cat moon out there. I love that. This is the first time I can remember seeing the moon in a long time. It's beautiful tonight. Here's one last picture from Garden of the Gods...I have more if anyone is interested in seeing them...they're just a bit of a pain to upload.

Garden of the Gods

Ok, since everyone was wanting to know more about Garden of the Gods, thought I'd post some pictures from the trip (please notice the scenery and not me in the one I'm in). I have Brandon to thank for all these great pictures; you do have a "good eye!"

Can you believe this is just 3 hours (and kind of a world) away from Nashville? To me the rocks look like something you would see out west. It was so beautiful.

This is a cross, in the middle of nowhere, called Bald Knob Cross. It was a really creepy place - very windy and wet and deserted. It seemed more likely to be a place someone would run out of the woods and carry you away than a place to honor peace. It's a peace cross or something...I didn't read the signs; I was too busy watching for mass murderers.

I blame my squinty face on the sun and my crazy hair on laziness and the wind. Why? Why can't I ever take a good picture? Although, in truth, this isn't that bad.

I have no idea what this is. This was near our cabin. I feel that someone must have felt pretty strongly about this phrase considering they painted it in huge letters on the roof of their barn. I have no idea why they did it or what it means, but I don't even know why I do things, let alone why others do the things they do. Perhaps God told them to do it.

I think I've got a couple more pictures that I'll throw up later today.

Speaking of Change...

I was working on a manifesto, opus kind of post on change. It was, in fact, going to be life-changing (supposedly, hopefully). But...I've forgotten what I was going to say. I feel like that saying "I figured out the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down." That's what happens if I don't take notes. It all dribbles out my ears. In fact, I've been looking for months for notes on a book I'm writing, and I can't find them. Very annoying because it was the perfect beginning. And while I can remember the gist, I can't get it *just* right.

So what was my great manifesto on change is now these few sentences and the lyrics from a song I like. By the way, the lyrics are out of context because I split up the verses and deleted some lines. But put together this way (my unauthorized way), I like what it has to say: change is hard, but you do it and move on. I've been sinking ships lately - letting things and several people fall away - and it hurts like hell, but there's a peace in it too. Finally. It's making room for new people and experiences. Nice.

I'm falling away
I know that I could
I could change if I have to
But I've been here so long I think that I've learned to like it this way
Into the ocean and with no light
I'm sinking this ship tonight

"Hey Tonight" Will Hoge

Rain

Have you ever been driving in the rain and you get to your destination, park your car, turn off your windshield wipers and just sit there as everything beyond your windshield starts to go blurry and indistinct? I love how that looks. Even more than that though, I love what happens when you turn on your wipers after all that has built up. I love the swish, the way the water sluices down the side of the windshield. I love the noise it makes as it runs down. I love how everything becomes suddenly clear again.

It's not as visually dramatic or with as nice sound effects, but I guess in a way, life has those kind of moments too. Times when it's so dark you can't see your way, when you don't know what to do, and you're in pain every single second of the day. And at those moments, it doesn't seem like anything will ever make sense or be clear to you ever again. Then, the wiper (whatever it is - a personal epiphany, a friend, a relationship) comes on and wipes away the stuff that was hurting you and obscuring your vision and everything is clear again. I think that's one of the best feelings in the world. Like when you can finally take a really deep breath and know that everything really is going to be okay.

Smarty Pants

I got an A on my first test. Go me! I rock.

I'm somewhere between anxious and scared.

I know it's not a big deal, but the thought of my test tomorrow really creeps me out. Plus this is kind of an invasive test. Swallowing a tube with a camera in it and then having it yanked back out would be considered invasive, right? It sounds invasive to me. Anyway...

Have you ever eaten spaghetti and one of the noodles like hangs down your throat (yes I know that's gross, but that's my point!)? I imagine it's going to be kind of like that except bigger and grosser. Happily, I'm going to be mostly unconscious due to the IV and have been told I won't remember anything.

The funniest thing about this test is how people try to reassure you about it. Everyone has said the same thing, "at least you get good drugs." Ha. If I just get an answer, I'll be happy.

Someone Else's Words

Just finished the book "Prep" by Curtis Sittenfeld. I thought this was the truest part in the book. Saddest too, I think. It's too bad that so often, getting our crap together involves hurting someone else:

"None of which justifies how I acted. I was wrong, I screwed up - how else can I say it? But there was plenty I learned from Dave. Later, after all that happened between Cross Sugarman and me, I even saw Dave as practice for Cross, as preparation. He made me ready...there are people we treat wrong, and later, we're prepared to treat other people right. Perhaps this sounds mercenary, but I feel grateful for these trial relationships, and I would like to think it all evens out - surely, unknowingly, I have served as practice for other people."

We're Not Czechoslovakian! (or This is the best outfit to wear for the day.)

I urge anyone who has not seen the documentary "Grey Gardens" by the Maysles brothers to rent it. Believe me, it's the best time you can have sliding into insanity. Want to hear more about it? Check out the link to NPR - additional footage is being released on an upcoming DVD AND there's a musical AND a movie coming out. And once you've seen it, you'll understand the title of my blog.

Grey Gardens

Juggling

Here's a funny story. A friend asked me the other day how I was managing to do all the things I was doing - work, school, social life, working out, and volunteering. Until she said that, I hadn't really realized exactly how busy I had become. I sound like Superwoman, right? Not so fast. As I told her, I'm 2 chapters behind in my reading, I haven't worked out since school started 2 weeks ago (unless you count trekking all over downtown Indianapolis last weekend), and I bailed on volunteering this week just to get a little down time.

This weekend has really been about me re-charging my batteries. I've gotten some good exercise, some good rest, some good low key socializing and now I'm studying. Um, well, right now I'm blogging to avoid studying, but I have been studying. Kind of. Mostly. I'd forgotten how much I really dislike studying. However, BIG upside to studying is that I get to leave my house and go to my favorite little spot in Nashville. Any place you can study, get wireless, eat some yummy hummus, and drink a beer all at the same time is my kind of place. Life is good.

Ok, back to studying. 2 more chapters, and I'll be caught up.

Yawn

I have not given up on filling the internet with my inane thoughts; I've just been so busy with work, play, and school. I am soooo tired and soooo excited because tonight will be the first time in over a week that I'll be able to spend the ENTIRE night alone and in my own place - just me and those lovely doctors from Seattle.

Oh, big shout out to Al: thanks for my surprise! It's been the high point of my week!

Watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy - trying desperately to get caught up in time for Season 3 - and have discovered 3 great songs. Check them out:
"Fools Like Me" Lisa Loeb
"Live and Learn" The Cardigans
"The City" Joe Purdy (his song "Wash Away" was on Lost, and I choreographed a great interpretive dance to it. Think there's possibility with this one too)

I've got a serious case of the "anywhere but here's." I need some traveling music.

I'm just saying...

I think I saw Big, or maybe it was Rich, in the Brentwood Target at lunch today. At least he looked like he could have been one of them. It's the first "possibly a celebrity" sighting in a while.

What do you think it means?

I had a strange dream this morning about otters. I was working in an aquarium, and I was supposed to be getting to know all the otters. While I tried to distract 2 huge otters that were fighting on my legs and totally freaking me out, a small otter swam over to me, hopped out of the pool, and sat beside me. When I turned around, the otter had become a little girl who looked suspiciously like Dora the Explorer. She kind of wobbled, and I put my hand down to steady her. Then she told me I should tell her to "be careful." So I did.

Um. Ok, then. What a strange dream. Maybe even stranger is the fact that I've sat here and analyzed it. I wonder why these thoughts were so important that my brain had to let them out? I guess my subconscious/unconscious - are they interchangeable? - thinks I need to be more careful. Caring as much as I do, but still trying to move on and heal at the same time, is a tough balancing act. Being a gigantic clutz (physically and emotionally) makes it even harder to do. I feel like I'm juggling all these conflicting emotions - loss, love, anger, hope, disappointment - while standing on one foot and hopping. Sigh...when does it get easier? "Be careful" is good advice right now.

Today is my first day back in school in 8 years. Eeek...

Hospice

Some of you might know that I've become a volunteer at Nashville's Alive Hospice. So far, it's been fulfilling work, and I've been really impressed by the attitude of everyone involved in the organization. Unfortunately on Saturday, I had to deal with the hard truth about hospice care and life in general: everyone dies. I walked into our unit in St. Thomas and noticed with a sinking heart that the first 5 rooms I passed were all empty with neatly made beds - talk about a feeling of foreboding. When I walked into the nurses' station I got the bad news that 6 patients had died on Friday.

I was saddest to find the name of my first hospice friend on the list of deaths from Friday. I was especially sorry and kind of angry to think that if it had not been for hospice, he might have died alone. That's just not right. In fact, to combat that (someone dying alone) Alive Hospice is developing a new volunteer team that will be on call to come to the unit in the event that someone is about to die and has no family or friends to be with them. This is a good organization, folks. I really urge you to consider helping out if you have the time. I know it seems kind of scary and sad, but if I can do it - trust me - you can too!

Since I started volunteering a couple of months ago, I've heard a lot about hospices and palliative care. I don't know if it's because more is being said or if it's just me paying more attention. In any case, I thought I would supply some links to a couple of articles I just read/heard in the last few weeks. I know most people are blissfully ignorant of the hospice concept until someone they know needs it, but it's a great organization that deserves community support.

US hospice industry booms as more opt to manage their death

Caring for Kids at the End of Life

Words cannot express my excitement...

Why Me?

My ulcer is back with a vengenance. I'm in so much pain I don't know what to do; I'm practically in tears. The usual stop-gaps of dairy have not helped. I think I'm going to have to go home. I need my Kefir.

Random Concert Thoughts and Happenings

Have you ever seen a skunk being captured at a rock concert? No? Well, then you are missing out. The event people caught a skunk in a Rubbermaid container about 20 feet in front of us last night. It was surreal and stinky. Although, not as stinky as you might have thought. Perhaps Rubbermaid should consider that in an advertising campaign.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS:
GOO GOO DOLLS - The lead singer for the Goo Goo dolls wore an unfortunate black skull cap last night that made him look like Jay of Jay and the Silent Bob fame. Strange, but true. In the category of Best Lyric by the Goo Goo Dolls, the winner is "I go on as you get colder." I haven't decided yet what I think it means, but I know that it kicked me in the shins when I heard it.

COUNTING CROWS - I had a funny moment watching the Counting Crows. Remember in the movie About a Boy where Hugh Grant is making fun of Toni Collette singing Killing Me Softly with her eyes closed? Basically it was along the lines that the song meant something to her. And that, according to him, was where all the trouble started - in things meaning something. I thought about that last night when I was listening to and singing along with A Long December (with my eyes closed, of course). I had expected the concert to upset me and leave me emotionally wrecked, but it didn't, not really. The only part that did, the only part I closed my eyes to, was that song.

AFTER CONCERT FUN - We were NOT AT ALL intoxicated, and we couldn't find our car. How sad is that? We all thought the other people were paying attention when we parked. People, when you go somewhere where there will be lots of cars, make sure you pay attention to where you park.

Sad Songs Say So Much (Ooo Sha-na-na-na)

I know ashes slowly burn
But every fool has a lesson that's hard to learn
It's a desperate plea but I must say
Oh God help me make it just one more day

There's a glass on the table beside my bed
Where I sleep with a bottle and I wake up dead
I got a hole in the bottom of both my shoes
Hey my step's been heavy since I heard the news

And I know just what you'll say
When I tell you that I'm sorry that I let you get away
Well you'll know I found out
That you're someone else's baby now

I see you when I walk down the street
Your smile's in the face of everyone I meet
Oh and it tears me up to know that he's touching you
And learning all the secrets that I once knew

Do you still leave your clothes piled on the floor
Maybe now you're different than you were before
You got a new way of walking and a different kiss
Oh to keep you together on a night like this
"Someone Else's Baby Now" Will Hoge

A friend turned me onto this song and I totally agree with her; I don't know why this song isn't getting played on the radio. Check it out on iTunes or whatever music service you have available. If you've ever been in love and it didn't work out, you'll get it. It is sad song perfection.

The whole song is great (the first verse is pretty much my daily prayer), but it's the last 2 verses that I really identify with. I've always thought that the best thing about close relationships of any kind - friend or lover - is the way that person becomes your personal historian. That they know what makes you tick, what you like, why you act the way you do. To me, that is one of the best parts of a relationship, feeling like you're completely known and accepted. It's an amazing feeling.

When I heard the last verse, it stopped me in my tracks. It's a truth universal - even though we wish it wasn't - people change. Sometimes when I think of him, I wonder if he's changed. Wonder if he's different. I don't know why I even think about it. I guess it scares me to think that he might be different than he was - although I don't know why - I'm different now too.

I've never understood why I'm often described as stubborn. Today I got it.

Indecision Part Deux (or What I'm Doing)

Ok, it's now Wednesday. I still have no clue what I'm doing. 4 pm tomorrow is approaching way too fast. I swear, every time I get one thing figured out another obstacle pops up. It's very upsetting. It's hard enough to know if what I'm doing is right, but when you throw in how everything keeps changing, it really makes me nervous.

I'm trying so hard to be proactive and well-informed and all that. I am 98% certain that this is what I want to do, but a little voice in the back of my mind wonders on occasion if this is a way for me to run away, especially if I choose the option that could take me out of Nashville a lot for the majority of the next two years.

I never knew before the last few months that doing what was right could be so confusing. I mean, I knew doing right could be hard and scary, but I didn't know that there would be times when you just wouldn't know what right was. Grrrr...I hate being an adult. And whoever said, "the unexamined life isn't worth living" is crazy. "Ignorance is bliss," I say.

Oh, and what I'm doing in the picture is testing our newest product, temporary tattoos. They're for Valentine's Day. Mine says "love stinks," but there are some mushy ones for the kiddos in functional relationships. Gotta say, I really like the wrist tattoo. While I would want something different (don't want to tick off Cupid, right?), I think it's a groovy place for a lil' bitty tattoo.

Indecision

I have to make a potentially life changing decision by Thursday at 4 pm, and I have no idea what to do. None. Not an inkling. I'm going to be reduced to "eenie, meenie, miney, moe," shaking a Magic 8 Ball, or closing my eyes and pointing to one of the options. Which, now that I think of it, is exactly how I ended up at Auburn. Hmmm...that seemed to work out pretty well, perhaps I should use that tactic again.

Seriously? This can't be the way a 29-year-old is supposed to make decisions. Crap.


Image from www.whoknew.us/archives/2004/10/

It's That Time of Year Again...

...when I start asking everyone when it's going to start getting cooler. I never remember, so I always have to ask.

There Is Weather on Both Sides

This grey day is making me blue.

I've just sat through repeated listenings of the new live version of "Rain King" by the Counting Crows. It's so different than the studio version. This one is 7 minutes of intense longing; it's guaranteed to make you look over your shoulder and remember things you thought you'd forgotten. Adam (because, yeah, we're that tight) says, "When I think of heaven, G-d girl, you know I just think of you. Do you think of me too?" How much do I love that? There aren't words.

Words of Wisdom: The Shrug

No, not the weird and unnecessary little half jacket/sweater thing, the "oh well," "dunno," and "I don't give a crap" gesture seen on the left.

The American Heritage Dictionary says that to shrug is "to raise the shoulders, especially as a gesture of doubt, disdain, or indifference."

I've had the opportunity to think about the shrug several times lately with a couple of different relationships. Today, a wise friend gave me this advice when I told her I wasn't going to dissect and pick to death something that happened to me. She said, "Well that's ok, then. Sometimes it's best not to dissect. I think the shrug is underused in our world. Sometimes we just have to shrug things off!"

She's SO right. I know there have been times when the shrug was definitely underused in my world. So prepare yourself...you may be seeing more shrugs from me. You can't always fix/understand/break the will of (ha) people or situations. Sometimes what is, is and no amount of worrying, trying to get your head around, or obsessing is going to make things make sense. Hence, the shrug. It will all be ok anyway, even if you don't understand it. I'm pretty sure of it.

Row Row Row Your Boat, Right Into the Rocks

Here are some canoeing tips you might want to keep in mind:

1. Canoeing is best done in the early morning or late afternoon, as opposed to the middle of the day in August.

2. Canoeing is best done in rivers having more than 2 inches of water.

3. Vigorous shaking of canoe (known as "humping") is effective in removing canoe from all the rocks you will run up on. It will also provide endless amusement to the friends who were able to navigate around the rocks.

4. This is the most important one: never congratulate yourself for staying clean and mostly dry until you are BACK ON DRY LAND. Pride goeth before the fall, and pride will goeth in front of about 20 strangers as you - looking somewhat dapper and fresh faced - slip and fall not once, but twice while your friends look on and laugh hysterically at you resurfacing looking like a drowned rat covered in mud.

Even with the excess of heat and the absence of water, canoeing was lots o' fun. LB and I got stuck on every rock there was, which provided much amusement for everyone else (see rule #3 about humping). We managed to paddle down the river backwards on accident at least once and on purpose a couple more times. We also ran into a beaver dam and a large tree hanging down over the water; I'm sure the ticks enjoyed the ride down the river too. I learned that I, personally, do not have the perfunctory knowledge of physics that help you steer a boat. It was a full day.

On the nature track, I took a long drive last night down some of the lesser used, more scenic roads of Nashville/Franklin, and it was beautiful night for it. Long country drives are one of my favorite things. I find I can get a lot of thinking done out there when it's just me and the kind of coma that comes over you when you're driving with the windows and sunroof open. I remember some really happy times on those back roads when I first started visiting Nashville. As it gets cooler, I will be taking lots more of those drives. Fall evenings are made for them, and I'm all about trying to make sense of things right now.

Lastly, apropos of absolutely nothing, my hair looks quite pretty today. Yay good hair days!

The Song I'm Listening To

Let me start by saying that this is my theory du jour. It's my way of trying to make sense of things. I'm sure it will change a hundred times before I actually figure things out - if I ever figure things out. Anyway, that's my disclaimer for when I totally change my mind and start over with a new theory. Har.

While I'm in the car, I'm listening to the song "Cigarettes" by The Wreckers over and over:

'Cause someday maybe somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove 'cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes and this old dirt road

I love that chorus. The part about not having to prove your worth is the sweetest thing I can imagine. Right now, it's the number one thing on my list for what my next relationship MUST have. I think I've spent a lot of time the last five months, maybe even longer, trying to prove that I was worthy and getting nowhere with it. That's a horrible way to feel - to know that the person who loves you thinks you've made too many mistakes, messed up too many times to forgive, that they liked you better the way you used to be.

And I think I probably did the same thing. I'm not innocent; I was the judge and jury with him too. I realized this morning that we both have a right to be mad at each other - me at him and him at me. Not that anger solves anything, but I think we would both be justified in being upset with the ways we failed each other. We could have tried harder, I think. But maybe not. Maybe we would never have gotten it right again. That's hard to admit, but maybe that's the awful truth. The only way to know involved a leap of faith he couldn't take, and I (guess I) understand even though I was ready to jump again. Maybe he's just smarter than I am.

Then again, maybe this is just what a breakup is. I don't think you leave a relationship if you love the person and want to be with them. If it's important to both of you, if you are both committed to a life together, you make it work. You don't give up - EVER. You don't leave if things are good. You leave when you aren't in love enough anymore, when things are bad and you think they could be better somewhere else. So in that respect, maybe it's no one's fault.

And to be clear and fair, this was the best relationship I've had. It was near perfect for a while. I will never regret it or the time we had together, and I still believe there is love between M and I. I'd only change the end, and maybe one day, I won't even want to change that. I guess that's the end goal. It's hard to imagine right now, though, when getting through the day without contacting him is a hard enough. Sigh...

Stupid Rental Car...

The universe is out to make me feel better by making me do stupid things. After many years of being a bona fide clutz, I've learned the best thing to do is laugh about these things because if not, I'd spend most of my time crying about all the stupid things I do.

That being said, here's something stupid I keep doing. It makes me laugh each time it happens. I'm driving a rental car with fabric seats; the problem is, my car has leather seats. Since I'm used to collapsing into my seat and sliding right over into my sweet spot this is causing problems. With fabric seats, I collapse and just stick, instead of sliding. It's very annoying because then you have to rearrange your clothes because they get all twisted. Of course, modifying the way I sit is out of the question. I refuse to bend! I am a flopper and slider, not a sitter and scooter.

PostScript

My mom told me I don't have to throw the emails away EVER if I don't want to. Apparently, in the olden days (ha), people used to write to their lovers on paper. These writings were called love letters, and some people kept them forever.

I've Got a Secret

If you know me, you are probably aware of my obsession with PostSecret (www.postsecret.com). It started out as a community art project where people were encouraged to send in postcards that held a secret that they had never shared with anyone. The small community art project has totally exploded. There is now a book (with another one on the way, I believe), the website which is updated every Sunday, traveling exhibits, and the postcards were the basis for the video "Dirty Little Secrets" by The All American Rejects.

A lot of people comment on the postcards they see on the site and most of the time, it's something along the lines of, "I thought I was the only one who felt this way, the only one this had happened to, the only one who knew what this felt like." I think more than anything, even when so many of the cards talk about being alienated and lonely and alone, it reminds you that you aren't. Someone out there feels the same way. It doesn't solve big problems, but it does give you a small connection, even if it's just while you're reading the card. I think for some people, that might be enough to save them.

Anyway, that's why I love the site, because I constantly find postcards that could have been written by me. Like the one on this blog, for instance. Now, I don't have 18 messages. In fact, I don't have any messages, but I do have a text and some emails that I wonder if I'll ever be able to get rid of. And like the secret-keeper says, I don't necessarily read them a lot, but I know they are there and that they're a testimony that there was something between us and it was real and wonderful. I don't know. I should probably get rid of them. Maybe it's a reminder I shouldn't have, but right now, it's a connection I can't break. All things in their own time, I guess.

Civilization Is Going to Peak Tonight

I've been to some good concerts lately. Up until two weeks ago, I had declared the Pete Yorn show at Exit/In, the best I've seen. However, I think Pete may have been unseated last night by a $7 concert ticket. I am in awe. I went to the Nashville Sunday Night show featuring Josh Ritter prepared to be a little underwhelmed. Oh no. No, no, no, no...it was amazing.

Josh Ritter is a doll. When he sings, he closes his eyes and sings like he's blind - all weave-y and sincere. You know what I'm talking about. He's so personable, and you can tell that he's pretty much really really smart. His lyrics are insightful and funny and sad and so sweet that there was more than one time I found myself wishing someone had written that line about me. Here's an example; this is from the song "Kathleen":

All the other girls here are stars. You are the Northern Lights...Well they try and they try, but everything that they do is the ghost of a trace of a pale imitation of you.

I mean, who wouldn't want to hear that, right? But the most amazing thing about Josh Ritter wasn't even really about him. It was about the audience and the way that apparently everyone connected with him. If you live in Nashville and have ever been out into the music scene, then you know that Nashville's not always a friendly place to play music. Nashville is full of music snobs who go to shows to critique, not to enjoy. Standing up? Uh uh. Dancing? No way. Clapping? Trying that is like trying to clap at a Church of Christ, just see what happens when you try. Of course, that's not always the case, but live music tends to be a kind of somber event here, unfortunately.

But last night, last night was music perfection! He got the ENTIRE audience to stand and clap and dance for TWO songs and his finale was laced through with some of the funniest commentary I've ever heard. He promised us that civilization was going to peak, while he urged us to sing along on the chorus. The commentary was so good - it involved meeting the love of your life and talking about your hopes and dreams and then getting on a train. I know it sounds weird, and it really really was. But it was wonderful too. I think you may have had to been there to really get it - sorry. He wanted us to sing for the love of our life that's just around the corner, for the bliss of staying up all night and risking everything for love. Maybe it's my current "I want to believe in love" mood, but he made you believe it. It was just that kind of night. Just kind of magic.

Ode to My Mom

Although this isn't an ode. Technically an ode (according to the American Heritage Dictionary) is: "NOUN: 1. A lyric poem of some length, usually of a serious or meditative nature and having an elevated style and formal stanzaic structure." This is not a lyric poem and there's certainly no elevated style here, just two thoughts on why I have a great mom:

My Mom held me and cried with me on Friday because she knew my heart was broken.

This one earns top mothering marks, even though I'm not at the point to believe her or even care about this right now. She told me that I was too beautiful and too smart for there not to be a guy out there who was looking for his Allison.

Anyway, it was just what I needed. No judgment or anything else, just shared tears and comforting words. Thanks, Mom.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that I think is the result of the life changing events of yesterday. It's pretty interesting, and I'm trying to let it comfort me some.

I was back in the home I grew up in (who knows why), and I was moving some of these little stone critter things that I collected from the top of a shelf to, well, I don't know where. The important part was I was moving them. That and I kept dropping and breaking them.

They didn't shatter into a million pieces, they just cracked and if you pulled a little, parts of the stone would pull off and you could see a whole other layer of the animal - like their underpants and stuff. Don't ask me why they were wearing underpants, but they were. The only meaning I can come up with for this bizarre dream and the fact that I dropped like 5 of these animals and went through the same realization - that there was something there underneath the broken parts - is that the universe is trying to tell me something.

I haven't worked it all out yet - I think that's going to take a long time - but I think I was supposed to see that even the broken parts are there for a reason. They show you something new. They show you that it's not all gone, that there's something there under the surface. It's not the same as it was, and it's not as pretty but it's not ruined, broken or gone either.

I guess after you realize that, then you have to decide if you can handle that or not. Can you let go of what was to appreciate and love what is now - flaws, disappointments, hurt and all?

Voice Over Thought of the Day (Pretend I'm Dr. Meredith Grey)

I don't know why some people are destined to come into our lives and then leave. Maybe it has something to do with brain space and maximum capacity. If everyone we met and connected with stayed forever, then maybe our brains and hearts would be full by the time we were 16, and we would miss out on other, more important, people to come.

I'm sure you've all heard the saying about people coming into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I'm not entirely sure what the difference between the reason and the season is, but there you have it. Human relationships from beginning to end explained by a pithy self-help statement.

But anyway, as the reason/season/lifetime seems to be the deal, it's something that everyone has to experience. The question is, how do you identify these people so you can let them help you with your needs, give to them in return, and ultimately let them go gracefully?

Let me know when you figure it out.

Flying Through the Air With the Greatest of (un)Ease

I jumped the other day.

Unfortunately, the ground seems to be approaching awfully fast. I guess there's still time for someone to throw out some pillows, but I'm pretty sure I'm just going to have to take the hard landing on this one.

I know I've done the right thing (ironically enough, I typed "wrong" first) by pushing things so that a decision has to be made, but that doesn't stop the fear and the "did I do the right thing?" questions floating around in my head. What if I shouldn't have jumped? What if I should have been more Zen and waited a bit longer to see where the flow would take me?

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of the rope, the hand, whatever, and move on - even when you know you might be saving yourself or someone else pain. Admitting defeat is not easy. Finding out you lost is hard.

As Coldplay says, "...the hardest part was letting go, not taking part." So I let go, even though I didn't want to. Even though I'm still hoping to be caught.

POSTSCRIPT - There was no easy landing on this one, but that's life right?

image from San Fransisco's Urban Diversion webiste

Jumpin'

RUBE: You like falling, do ya?

BETTY: Well, it's not the fallin'; it's the jumpin'.

RUBE: I'd feel a whole lot better about the jumpin' if it weren't for the fallin'.

BETTY: Fallin's easy - you just fall. Jumping involves strength of will.

RUBE: Unless you're on a plank.

BETTY: Then it isn't your choice. But if it is, it's the best feeling in the world.

RUBE: And you don't care where you land?

BETTY: Landing is a lot like fallin' - you just land.

(VO) If you've been putting off a jump, just putting it off, sometimes the subtle things are what make you take the plunge.

This is from a show that used to be on Showtime, "Dead Like Me." I really loved this episode. I saw it weeks ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I think it's a good, clear rumination (big word, go me!) on the whole action/consequence thing. You never can tell what consequences a certain action will have - aside from the big things, like you know, shooting someone or something like that - but you still have to be willing to put yourself out there.

The more I think about things lately, the more I think that you can never know 100% if ANYTHING you're doing is right. It all comes down to being brave enough to make a choice and take some action. Sure there's a possibility, maybe even a large possibility, that you'll get hurt. It's just what happens, you know? That's life. Sitting still, doing nothing may be safe, but you'll never get anywhere like that. And I think most people would feel better at least knowing they tried to do something different.

Here I Come

I'm having issues, but as soon as I get them sorted out, I'll be back in the blogosphere. Enjoy the bunny until I get everything sorted out.